Check for bed bugs by yelling “Gee, I’m so happy there are no bed bugs here!”, and if you hear faint giggling, set the bed on fire.
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5’s excuse for not going to sleep last night was that he has the hiccups.
He didn’t hiccup.
He didn’t fake-hiccup.
He just stated that he “has the hiccups”.
Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.
“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
Me: So my gf and I hit Bigfoot with my Ferrari and when we got out to check on it we were abducted by aliens who brought us to the lost city of Atlantis and imbued us with superpowers.
Them: Pfft. You don’t have a gf.
Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.
If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh
OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
*Day 9 of quarantine*
Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?
Quotes to calm an angry woman:
1. Stress makes you fat.
2. My ex never acted like that.
3. I love you, even if you’re just like your mom.
HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that
It’s daylight savings time which means the clock in my car is about to be correct again
my friend: so the new person you’re dating is another white guy named matt whose parents pay his rent?
me: yeah, but like, there’s something different about this one.
narrator: there was in fact not anything different about this one.
Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars
I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.
At the pool, putting on sunscreen, kinda feelin myself for the first time in a long time…
11, “Make sure you get the sunscreen on all your places because you are really, really pale and there’s a lot of places.”
guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead
shawn: a shawnce
sean: I have a better idea
There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat
[lying in front of the fire]
11: Do you think she’s asleep or dead?
9: *throws toy, 2 massive dogs pounce on me*
Me: *screams*
9: Asleep
A couple of birds are outside fighting. Wait. They’ve quieted down. There’s a third bird. I think he may be their therapist.
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
Therapist: No.
When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.
Have you ever checked those ‘Twitter accounts that work well with yours’?
I just did.
Three convicted murderers, two people on the run from the FBI and a man who thinks he’s a tree 🤦♂️😂
When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
[running a concession stand] pay me $5 and i’ll admit you were right
If you can’t handle me at what you have mistakenly assumed is my worst, then prepare to be unpleasantly surprised in the immediate future.