Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex

[job interview]
“Why do you want to be a librarian?”
I like people
“What do you like about them?”
*whispers* I like telling them to shut up

Hearing a noise as a renter: Sounds like the plumbing might be going.

Hearing a noise as a homeowner: Ghosts!

this is stick
*dog wags tail*
this is branch. its made of sticks
*tail wags faster*
this is tree. it makes sticks
*dog helicopters into sky*

Almost forgot…😂😂😂😂😂

If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.

How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?

I carry two flashlights in case I ever have to help an airplane land.

Husband: Who bought all this Halloween candy? I thought we were going out to dinner that night.

Me: (between bites of candy) What’s your point?

I don’t care how hardcore you are. If you don’t cry when Dumbo visits his mommy in elephant jail, you have no soul.

Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻‍♀️😂

I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab

Lawyer: As My Lord knows,…
Judge: Don’t presume I know it, counsel.
Lawyer: Beg pardon. *clears throat* As My Lord ought to know…

5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”

Prisoner:*strapped into chair* Flip the switch & fry me.
Guard: Oh, we’re not electrocuting you…
*college kid w/ acoustic guitar walks in*

[first day as a scientist]
Scientist: you have a budget of $1.3m
*2 weeks later*
Scientist: we need a progress update
Me [has blown the budget on an army of genetically engineered dog size giraffes]: wind is basically air in a hurry

Sleeping in a tent is so relaxing. You can hear the leaves rustling, the loons calling out on the lake and, if you listen closely, whimpering teenagers crying out softly “wifi, wifiiiii”.

WIFE: Don’t go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys.
ME: *already in the ball pit* You’re not going to believe this.

Buying houses is mental

Buy a car or a bag of chips, the price is defined

Buy a house, you have to guess how much the owner wants

Not allowed to speak to the owner

Instead you have to go via a 19 year old, in a Mini, who doesn’t live there and wants you to pay over the odds

Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough

Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life

Wife: Yes of course!

Medium: He has something to say to you

Wife: omg go on

Medium: woof

“why y’all clapping at 3AM?”

looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job

OMG you guys!! I have abs

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…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.

All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward

Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.

They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”

The infuriating thing about language is that if you describe this as a “fun little red rubber ball” you’re fine but if you call it a “rubber fun red little ball” you sound like you had a stroke, even though there is no official rule about order of adjectives.

If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.

[burying my father at sea]

Why isn’t this shovel working?

dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’