check in attendant: are you flying alone?
me: I’ll probably need a pilot
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*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs
Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.
We’re going to have 27 people over for Thanksgiving this year. I’m going to earn a little extra money by setting up a paywall on my Wi-Fi.
me: are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet?
cop: if you don’t shut up I’ll turn this car around and none of us are going to jail
’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.
me: hey, can I read that recipe
internet: here’s a video of how to make it
me: could I just read it
internet: WATCH THE VIDEO
Me: what’s the deal with airplane food
Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise
If Planet Fitness didn’t want me eating a turkey leg on the stairmaster then they shouldn’t call it a “Judgment free” zone.
With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be
My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job.
She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up.
Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it.
My grandma is fierce.
This edible ain’t shit.
*5 minutes later
Is it just me or is it hungry in here?
Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.
by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die
Isn’t it ironic that all of Alanis Morissette’s friends knew her song had nothing to do with irony but, being Canadian, were too polite to tell her.
Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.
Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*
a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.
Probably with the other sock.
Conversations get real after midnight.
11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”
12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”
You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.
I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it
In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.
TV shows and movies have given us the impression that working in the FBI is exciting, but it actually involves carrying a bunch of boxes out of a house. It’s like having to help someone move every day.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
why do chefs always have to cut everything so fast. It’s just an onion man why don’t you relax
Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.
Baking powder gets most stains out of carpets and upholstery. Does anybody know how to get baking powder out of carpets and upholstery?
me: [sets to bed time reminders on my Fitbit to be responsible]
Later that night
Fitbit: time for bed
me: DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO
84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”
Me: I ran into Bill on the ride home.
Wife: How’s he doing?
Me: 3 cracked ribs, a broken hip & a collapsed lung.