check in attendant: are you flying alone?
me: I’ll probably need a pilot
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My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”
[bedtime]
brain: hey remember that lost episode where the couple gets paralyzed DO THOSE SPIDERS LIVE NEAR US
me: SLEEP
brain: NO, GOOGLE IT
Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what
me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.
She’s not dead, just very condescending.
“It’s your father; he’s been hitting the sauce pretty hard.”
*My father stumbles in with hollandaise in a highball glass* wassssssup!
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.
If not now, then when? If not you, then who?
— the pile laundry on my loveseat begging me to fold it
You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.
No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw
How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
her: and what do you do?
me: I’m a mail escort
postal worker: I won’t tell you again, I don’t need you following me everywhere!
friends who just got married: We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.
me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?
Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.
i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot
Kids have been at camp for 10 days now – we’ve been so curious to hear ANYTHING about camp and finally one letter came last week – which opened with the heartfelt and powerful words of:
“had to write this letter to get a snack”
I just realized my 5-year-old has been stressed because he thought that a “trim around the ears” meant that we were going to take him upstairs and cut his ears off.
ME: I wish I had antlers
GENIE: You’d look pretty weird being the only one w/ antlers
M: Fine, I wish everyone had antlers
G: Oka-
M: But my antlers are demonstrably superior
G: You know you can wish for non-antler things
M: *Sees my awful neighbor Carl* I wish his antlers sucked
Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.
Me, 5 minutes into the zombie apocalypse: Fresh brains here, come and get your brains!
Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.
I don’t understand what’s happening here.
Her: My baby is 28 months old.
Me: Oh really? I’m 74 inches tall.
Not so fun when YOU have to do the math, is it?
i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.
I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.
any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow
Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood.
Pro Tip Addendum: don’t set the romantic mood right by curtains.