@mrjohndarby

check in attendant: are you flying alone?

me: I’ll probably need a pilot

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@junejuly12

Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.

@AllanForsyth

Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!

@desusnice

ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits

@delusions_of

My arm bone’s connected to my hand bone. My hand bone’s connected to a bacon cheeseburger.

@stanfordhoward_

Drunk people:
We accidentally made a baby.

High people:
We accidentally made a pizza.

@Bexdora

[Facepainting Booth]
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*

@VapingSonic

My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone