check in attendant: are you flying alone?

me: I’ll probably need a pilot

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Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.


Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!


ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits


My arm bone’s connected to my hand bone. My hand bone’s connected to a bacon cheeseburger.


Drunk people:
We accidentally made a baby.

High people:
We accidentally made a pizza.


[Facepainting Booth]
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*


My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone