check in attendant: are you flying alone?
me: I’ll probably need a pilot
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if working for a big corporation has taught me anything, it’s that these multimillionaire business owners won’t get rich if the little people like me sit around on my phone tweeting all day
White girl: “You’re [ethnicity] but not [ethnicity-ethnicity]. Like, you’ll [mild steretype] but you don’t [severely racist stereotype]
[creation]
GOD: You will each have a flaw
BAT: I am blind
SNAKE: I am deaf
DOG: My breath is a little bad
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even?
If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?
Me: Is it just me…
Everyone: Yes. GOD, YES!
Me: I hadn’t actually finished my question 🙁
I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!
OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail
HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.
FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.
[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]
Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS
[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right
“If you’re having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son.” -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it’s a boy.
I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller
*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.
Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.
*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG
I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.
I never knew how fast I could write until the teacher said pencils down.
Van Gone
13: Mom, you look younger every day.
M: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
M: How young?
13: 29
M: Done.
had to share :’)
Me: I’ve found a needle in the haystack! Only took 3 hours.
Her: no this is a 3/4 inch, I need a 5/8’s.
Me: *begins searching again* you really need a better place to store these.
Husband: why are you taking so long to get ready???!!
Later:
-eats the snacks I packed
-drinks my water bottle
-uses my cell phone charger
My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting
My son 🙋🏽♂️was SO cute today, he asked me “dad are clouds candy?” 😍 I told him they were water. 💦 Then he asked “dad, what’s Earth’s defense system?” and then I remembered I don’t have a son and he asked again his eyes now obsidian black “what is the defense system father”