check in attendant: are you flying alone?
me: I’ll probably need a pilot
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I’m not saying she’s a tease, I’m just saying she’s like a weather forecast for a beautiful weekend on a Wednesday…
[100 year old man on job interview]
“Do you have any references?”
Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.
[Japan]
HEAD SCIENTIST: Hey, what did you guys do with all the nuclear waste?
*distant Godzilla noises*
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?
[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows
My body is a “wonder what happened” land
so much to do
Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.
I love it when people yell when trying to communicate with someone who doesn’t speak their language.
Thank you for screaming “do you understand?” That was just what I needed to become fluent in your language on the spot.
What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.
The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.
person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!
ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT
Last night at dinner my 6 year-old asked me what the most dangerous shark was and I said ‘The Loan Shark’ so naturally I received an email from his teacher this morning.
If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is
me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*
her: I said it’s *petrified* wood
me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me
You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.
Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve
Eve: it’s tomorrow
Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve
A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.
Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me
Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car
Me: Okay, 5yo, are you ready for your morning math lesson?
5yo: Hold on. Let me get my laser gun.
Me: