check in attendant: are you flying alone?
me: I’ll probably need a pilot
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THEM: You are not alone.
ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.
Having switched her bedroom light off last night, I softly said goodnight to my 11yr old. Tenderly moving her hair from her face and telling her that I loved her, she looked at me and responded with:
“Your teeth are illuminous.”
[High school reunion]
Classmate: I’ve been out building schools in Africa
Me: I got banned from the zoo for gluing sideburns onto a dolphin
[samurai kindergarten]
Sensei: CHILDREN! We do not hit each other. What do we do?
Kids: *in unison* We use our swords.
Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour
Me: I have no choice, there is no other way
*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*
cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you
*trying to remember something*
brain: put your hands on hips
People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.
Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!
When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
It’s almost midnight and my 44 years old ass is still up trying to figure out what I’m going to wear for the costume party that social-me proposed at work and now no-social- tired-broke me wants to punch me right on the nununana for having that dumb idea.
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
My son told me he couldn’t wait to grow up…
So I took out my vitamin day of the week organizer and explained every one. Next we discussed every body cream I have. Then we paid bills for the month. He was crying at this point so we had ice cream while we did meal planning.
I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.
Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!
Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?
Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress
I’ve been sitting here trying to build a punchline around this but you can’t improve on perfection
Therapist: tell me your dreams
Me: cheese
Therapist: no your weird dreams
Me: still cheese
Therapist: ok, your sexy dreams
Me: kinky cheese?
The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.
Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?
A billionaire has built a submersible, saying he wants to prove it’s still safe to visit the Titanic. Somebody tell these guys it wasn’t even safe to be ON the Titanic!
Pay your exorcist or you may get repossessed.
I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.
I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.
[boss pulling me aside after the meeting]: I need you to quit calling me “m’lord”
Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb
My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?
when someone dies in the hospital and they put a sheet over them that’s just bc they’re preparing them for being a ghost