check in attendant: are you flying alone?
me: I’ll probably need a pilot
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Instead of a tweet up,
I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains
You know…
A Couples Retweet
My kid is mad at me because *checks notes* I would not let her hang out in a dog crate and I ruined her dreams of being a dog
Told my husband I was going hiking with our 10yo and he replied “If you don’t survive, who gets all your books?” when he knows very well the correct response was “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”
You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.
[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first
I really had high hopes for this year though
*flips bird*
*buys another bird with the profits*
In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.
My job applications are getting rejections even before anyone interviews me so, instead of my resume I’m just going to submit a list of my greatest tweets and list my reply guys as references
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
Last night I dreamt I laid in bed all day drinking wine, eating chocolate & watching Netflix.
Tomorrow I’m making my dreams come true.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “echo”
can you use it in a sentence?
SENTENCE entence enᵗᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᶜᵉ
Apple trying to ruin my marriage wtf
11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O
I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?
Forever thinking about the person 14 years ago who said earnestly (?) if they eat shrimp they get diarrhea “and vice versa.”
WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge
ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART
Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.
At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?
It’s not 13.
Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
The new Barbie movie should be an accurate depiction of her. Her knees should not bend, her house should have no walls, and the elevator should break all the time.
u spoke cat all this time??????
the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed
A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
I’m only seeing the new Jurassic Park if the dinosaurs aren’t a metaphor for anything. Don’t want to look at a stegosaurus and have to think about neoliberalism or the modern surveillance state
I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.
My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.
I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]