Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I tried to speak French one time, accidentally swallowed like 6 words

me, disguised as a lamb: *into earpiece* target is headed to school

spy hq: none suspect you, right?

me: roger

spy hq: keep her in sight

[later]

teacher: mary, does your lamb follow you everywhere you go?

me: i’ve been made

spy hq: abort mission! ABORT!! ABORT!!!

A dog can locate the source of a sound in 6/100ths of a second which is almost as fast as a kid being able to locate a parent opening a candy wrapper

if i had a frisbee team, our name would be Panic! At The Disc Throw and we would qualify for the regional finals and hi 5 the shit out of everyone

rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places

WIFE: Just try to be normal tonight.

[later at the dinner party]

ME: Do you think the ghosts of muppets are doomed to roam the earth until reunited with the hand that animated them in life?

Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.

The worst outcome of the Kendrick Lamar/Drake beef would obviously be escalating physical violence but the second worst would be if this was all leading up to a Sprite commercial.

i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot

Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.

My neighbor asked how I keep my grass looking so good
I told him to have a seat, it’s kind of a lawn story

People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.

Just parrot things

If you’re smuggling booze into a concert, put the bottle under a handful of tampons and go to the young male bag checker. they get embarrassed and immediately close your bag. works every time — even more so if you’re a dude

It’s strange that watching paint dry is considered boring but going to an art gallery is considered interesting. That’s just watching paint that’s already dry.

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OMG DAD WAT?
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To my followers in Florida in the path of the hurricane: Remember to keep your phone charged. These tweets don’t “like” themselves.

I wanted to buy Mariah Carey’s preferred brand of mouthwash, but my wife insisted we purchase Celine Dion’s. So we split up, citing irreconcilable diva rinses.

Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?

I would throw more parties if they didn’t turn me into a hotel concierge. Always standing. Always waiting for someone to need me.

When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.

Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.

Me at 25: I am not going to be one of those adults who just gives up on fashion

Me at 35: I wear nightgowns as dresses because they’re softer

me: how do i get a girl to like me

dad: be mysterious

[ next day ]

her: hello

me: i’m in the witness protection program

My first and biggest lesson in framing was when I saw my uncle asking 3 children who wanted to take a bath and they all squirmed and loudly yelled NOOOO and then he asked “Who wants to be the FIRST! to take a bath?” and they literally started fighting to be the first

I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.

Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”

My oldest bra can smoke now.

[March 15]
Brutus: Going 2 the senate?
Caesar: yeah u?
Brutus: yep it’ll be killer
Caesar: how so?
Brutus: like cool u know rad senate stuff

I’m glutton sensitive. I overreact when people eat more than their fair share of pizza.