Check in desk: We’ve oversold the flight so I’m going to put you in business class.
Me: Great.
*later*
Professor: The first rule of business is- you’re late. Please sit down.
Me: I think there has been a mistake.
Professor: I said sit down.
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Singer: Ya-aahh-aaahh-weee-aaaa-oooo-roooo-aaahhYeah, I felt that.
Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.
me: [wondering if i she can tell i lied about my job]
the woman cutting my hair: ocean king sounds stressful
me: it can be
I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.
My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess
I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.
Tonite on House Hunters: Jill wants 4 bedrooms, granite countertops and a home spa. Bob wants to be stabbed in the driveway.
Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?
here’s the problem with fruit: it’s inconsistent. some apples are delicious, some taste bad. sometimes blueberries are great, sometimes they are disgusting. you know what’s the same every time? doritos
Instead of sending a letter in a bottle, go one step further. Bottle up all your feelings, then throw yourself out into the ocean.
My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?
Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance
kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test
I made popcorn.
Teen smelled popcorn.
I no longer have popcorn.
moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend
Nothing prepares you for the day your adult son starts sharing sexual jokes in the family group text.
A couple of years ago, I convinced my son I don’t know how to clap. He’s been trying to teach me ever since. I’m hoping I can keep this going til I stand up and slow clap during his high school graduation
ME: I really love motorsport.
DATE: Do you like F1?
ME: I like all the function keys.
My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.
Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207….
When someone asks you to hold their pet hand grenade, be skeptical. It may be a trick.
Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂
Her: I want you to leave me breathless
Me: *hides her inhaler
“Spirits, are you there?”
[ouija board] IF YOU LIKE IT THEN YOU SHOULDA PUT A RING ON IT
“Damn it, we’ve held a séaoncé again!”
My Grandpa reached 110 yesterday.
That’s the last time I get in the car with him driving…
I’ve turned the wifi off. The 15yo’s world has ended. I feel like one of the 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse.
Conquest, War, Famine & Dad.
I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.
Fun Fact:
If you flick your wife’s nipple really hard while she’s sleeping, it’s extremely funny … for about 3 seconds.
When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.
Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.
My 3yo biggest talent right now is threats. Yesterday my husband and him were sliding in socks and my husband slid when it was 3yos turn and he got mad and yelled “I’m going to bake your feet into pies and then you won’t be able to slide at all bc your feet will be pies