Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

For real 🤣

Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.

Dog’s confession but adopted a full pedigree “failed” Border Collie sheepdog from a farm. Took him to sister-in-law’s place who had a footstool made of real sheep’s wool. Turns out reason he’s a “failed” sheepdog is coz he’s scared of sheep. Apparently even sheep’s wool is scary

Drive as I say, not as I drive.

[Doctor’s Office]
Seal: My flippers are sore.
Killer Whale Doctor: Hmm interesting, swim a little closer into my jaws- I MEAN ONTO THE TABLE

if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.

Ouija™ board by Milton Bradley – because if anyone can bridge the gap between the living and the dead, it’s the folks who brought you Hungry Hungry Hippos.

I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.

“It’s better to give than to receive.”

I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet

Me: ’til death do us part
Her: ’til death do us part
Death: *cracks open beer* Imma watch them suffer a while

Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Give a man who is dangerously allergic to fish a fish and he’ll eat for a lifetime.

This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.

I camp so other people don’t have to.

I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.

I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”

Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.

[Inventing the escalator]

Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?

[first day as a celebrity chef]

*Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*

instead of being able to object at weddings we should be able to object at nursing school graduations

You: Where’s Carl?

Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind

You: Thats too bad. What’s for dinner?

Me: Funny you should ask

Not to brag, but my best yoga pose is awkward facing dog.

Nurse: “This may hurt.”

Me: “June hasn’t been much fun either.”

The First Rule of Menopause Club:

We don’t talk PERIOD.

007: the name’s bond…james bond

me: nice to meet you bond james bond

007: just james bond

me: bond just james bond

007: no my full name is just james bond

me: nice to meet you just james bond

007: you know i can legally kill you

me: no, never met him

007: *draws weapon*

For a while after my wife left me I found it really difficult to listen to any of ‘our’ songs. She’d taken the entire CD collection with her.

Stand up. Yell, “I OBJECT!” Moonwalk past the bailiff out the side door, finger guns ablaze. PEW PEW PEW!

i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table

[I open my lunchbox to find pair of wife’s underwear]
But that means…
[Cut to my wife opening her lunchbox to find a pair of my underwear]

Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.

My fridge is a veritable cornucopia of leftovers. I am not grateful for this cornucopia. My cornucopia is beginning to grow stuff.