check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad
You Might Also Like
(God Creating Vegetables)
GOD: What if we made fruit gross?
People are so trusting on mushroom forums. They ask for help identifying wild shrooms they found, and give you just one blurry picture taken from fifty yards away.
“Is this safe to eat? 🍄”
I’ve seen clearer pictures of Bigfoot, but yeah, go for it. It’s probably fine.
It’s okay, facial recognition. I don’t recognize myself anymore either.
Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed
Yankee Candle: Please leave
A friend helps you before you need it
Remember when Saturday Morning cartoons would start to end and the live action shows you didn’t like as much started to come on, but you still half-heartedly watched?
That’s Twitter now.
just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate
I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.
If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.
Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine?
Jesus: ON
Girl: What?
Jesus: Long walks ON the sea
You don’t use a semicolons correctly; you use a semicolon confidently.
me whenever anyone asks about my job: yeah i absolutely love hospitality! every day you get the chance to make someone’s day and it’s incredibly rewarding 🙂
me 0.5 seconds into a shift: they should invent a slur for customers
friend: hey man don’t drink too much you know how you get
me: what do you mean
[2 hard lemonades later]
me: we should drive to my boss’ house and steal all his grass. all of it
I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.
*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*
My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.
Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
Me: how was your date?
Friend: I ruined her panties.
M: Wow that’s hot man.
F: No she got food poisoning from my cooking, bro.
the $25 stuffed animal gets me every time
In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
My kids ask me the dumbest shit when I’m driving like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.
I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …
I’m kind of a big deal on the semi-pro yoyo circuit.
My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”
Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire