Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*buys a 3D printer*

*prints a 3D printer*

*returns 3D printer for a refund*

Are black guys the ones with big dicks?

Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.

Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?

me: well, I am not certain but

Me: [pitching an idea for a comic book] Imagine a superhero whose parents are–get this–alive and well.

Exec: *under breath* whoa

Hypnotist: [crying in a corner] why aren’t you getting sleepy!?

3 year old: I’m thirsty

Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?

Google Search:
-is my toaster broken
-can fire ants make toast
-bathtub fire, small
-house fire, how to stop
-is house fire toast a thing?

Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!

Grocery clerk: sir please stop

Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe

might quit my job to focus on actually putting away my laundry

ME: sorry for the hold-up

TELLER: but you didn’t make me wait?

ME: *pulling a gun* haha no I’m Canadian

*Daycare drop off*

4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.

[At the stress test, staring at a treadmill]
Dr.: Just run at a speed where you can still talk normally.
*sits down on a chair*
Me: Okay.

Shout out to the lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo

Stranger asks you what time it is = kinda annoying

Stranger asks you what year it is = pretty concerning

Stranger asks you what century it is = extremely exciting

I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.

Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop

Therapist: Tell me something that keeps you up at night.

Me: my husband’s snoring

Therapist: let me rephrase

What do you get when you stick three kids and two adults with full time jobs in a house 24 hours a day for 6 months and then add in zoom school? A toddler who walks around all day shouting “Oh Dear God!”, apparently.

Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.

Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.

Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector

I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.

Him: Do you know what you are doing?

Her: Do I look like I know what I’m doing?

Him: No.

Her: Okay then, quit asking stupid questions.

I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.

We were watching The Discovery Channel on the couch.

I was naked.

She was afraid.

I guess I should have probably introduced myself first.

Things to say instead of “I hope this email finds you well”

-I hope you reply quickly
-Now, pay attention
-I hope many things but life isn’t fair
-Listen in
-Let’s do this!
-I will say this only once
-Your hair looks nice
-I’m tired, let’s get this over with
-Here we go again…

The worst part about having your death go viral is that you get kicked off the Queue for Taylor Swift tickets. #RIPJimmyFallon

Me taking notes in a meeting 😅

I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.

My favorite child is the Roomba.