Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…

Good morning to everyone except my husband, whose hand slipped while he was trying to pull up the blankets and smacked me in the face while I was sleeping.

Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do

*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*

Halfway through my stand-up routine I started getting heckled. The crowd shouted such insults as “This sucks” and “Stop it” and “Why are you doing this to us, Mom?”

It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.

me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes

optometrist: again, please hold still

angel: sir, we’ve invented daylight

God: it’s so harsh, you can see every little imperfection. How do you expect people to procreate?

angel: we also invented tequila

[Wedding day]

Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?

Me: Well THIS is awkward

Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change

mom: call your grandmother, she sent you a birthday card with $10

me: ok

[later]

me: hey grandma

grandma: hello dear

me: i need more money, this isn’t 1842

Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.

[checking my phone]

“i hope this email finds you being mauled” ha ha what in the heck

[suddenly a bear is in my kitchen]

My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.

Used to be you could wash your pots and pans immediately after use and be done with it. But you can’t anymore. Because of soak

Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear
1. exploding glove
2. ham sandwich
3. flaming fireplace
4. Dead bird helmet
6. shark eggs

If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.

*has no girlfriend or kids*

*gives out dating and parenting advice*

If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.

Him: It’s been 20 minutes! I know what you’re doing in there! Stop it!

Me: *in shower* No! I’ve waited all day!

Him: Don’t do it! Get out!

Me: *touching my face* You can’t stop me!

Me: I need a vacation by myself.

Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.

[God Creating Dads]
God: Ah, yes. Think I’m done
Dads: Hi Done, we’re Dads!
God:
Dads:
God: *creates the adjustable thermostat*

INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: I’m good at untying knots
INTERVIEWER: oh thank god can u get these running shoes off of me?

Then: He has a woman in each port.
Now: He has a woman on each server.

I had a dream I was driving and following my friend to her house. But she kept making turns from wrong lanes and I was trying to keep up with her

And then I realized “oops that’s not my friend and I’ve been following a stranger and probably scaring them” lol

Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!

The human race won’t go extinct when our blood turns into high fructose corn syrup

Our demise will come when hummingbirds figure it out

I just remembered that Sun Chips made a fully biodegradable bag and people were like “this sucks, it’s too loud” as if Sun Chips consumers need a tactical stealth corn snack. Like buddy you’re eating sour cream and onion chips not infiltrating Bin Laden’s compound.

Plain white T’s: A thousands miles seems pretty far, but they’ve got plans and trains and cars

The proclaimers: *after walking 500 miles and 500 more* ……they have…. WHAT?!

I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.

Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.