acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog
Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.
We are NOT ok.
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I want to get married just so I can throw my wedding ring in anger. I bet it’s a lot cooler than aggressively untying a friendship bracelet.
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
JIMMY: My dad turns everything into a movie reference
DOC: Why do you do that?
ME: I want to develop a bond, James. Bond
I sexually identify as the foot of Cinderella’s stepsister when it is being crammed into the glass slipper.
Great… I tried to kill a spider with glitter body spray and it didn’t work
Now I have a spider that won’t stop dancing and insists I call her cinnamon
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.
My toddler kept asking for uncle hall and I’m like dude we don’t have an uncle hall in our family. Turns out he was asking for ALCOHOL so I was all dude you’re just 3yo so would you rather beer or wine?
[first time trying standup]
Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-
*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT
Me: Please, mom, not now