Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.
We are NOT ok.
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When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.
[sign outside butcher shop: POLISH SAUSAGES – ASK US]
ME: Yes, I’m here about the sausage polishing job?
This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.
A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.
You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet
This is now my favourite pie chart ever.
I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.
[penguin waddles into computer repair store]
“Hi yes my laptop is frozen”
…
Computer repair guy – “how did you get to Milwaukee”
I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.
Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful
Him: Those are my mom’s ashes!
Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense
My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.
Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.
“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.
Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
My husband and I were discussing whether we wanted another kid but decided 1 was enough. We just need to figure out what to do with the other one now
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse
I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
[Genie] Last wish idiot, impress me.
[Me] I want Morgan Freeman to narrate my eulogy [drops dead]
[Morgan Freeman] He was an idiot.
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.
Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.
Friend: How’s your Keto diet going?
Me: [throws fourth T-bone onto plate] My cholesterol’s extremely high, so I had a heart attack, but I’ve lost 2 pounds.
Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions
Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?
🤣🤣
You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.
Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.
4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone
When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.