@momtransparent1

Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.

We are NOT ok.

You Might Also Like

@waitfortheQ

This mosquito that bit me is going to regret doing it , have fun being on birth control , valium and beer mf .

@JohnLyonTweets

[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?

@dreamthievin

Life plan:

1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!

@bartandsoul

At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”

My therapist:

@13spencer

A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?

@mikhailsen1

If you have sex with someone from another country, make sure you give your best, cause you’ll be representing the whole country. Make us proud.

@Blueorsomething

“I’m single by choice” I whisper to the pizza delivery guy as he hands me my change.

@FrazzleMyGimp

NEW ROOMMATE: What’s mine is yours.

[30 seconds later]

NEW ROOMMATE: I need my wheelchair back.

@ClichedOut

me: dinosaurs can’t jump

her: how do u know

me: they’re dead Linda

@ericsshadow

My son asked what it is like to be married, so I deleted all the music on his ipod except 1 song.