Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.

We are NOT ok.

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This mosquito that bit me is going to regret doing it , have fun being on birth control , valium and beer mf .


[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?


Life plan:

1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!


At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”

My therapist:


A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?


If you have sex with someone from another country, make sure you give your best, cause you’ll be representing the whole country. Make us proud.


“I’m single by choice” I whisper to the pizza delivery guy as he hands me my change.


NEW ROOMMATE: What’s mine is yours.

[30 seconds later]

NEW ROOMMATE: I need my wheelchair back.


me: dinosaurs can’t jump

her: how do u know

me: they’re dead Linda


My son asked what it is like to be married, so I deleted all the music on his ipod except 1 song.