Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.
We are NOT ok.
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Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself
Bought coffee flavoured ice cream hoping the kids would hate it and I could have it all but NOPE! Joke’s on me!
Curse you,
gloriously divine Häagen-Dazs in literally any flavour.
Me: I’m really into architecture.
Her: Contemporary…modern?
Me: LEGO.
My husband and 4yo are playing with the doctor kit and toy dinosaurs. My husband named the dino doctor The Dinocologist.
We were definitely meant for each other.
[presenting my dissertation] Tom has been chasing Jerry for years, but all he gets if he catches him is a light snack. The time investment isn’t worth the reward. Tom is therefore a victim of the sunk cost fallacy. Next slide please,
No my Darling, I won’t be skipping to the loo. I have a situation and I shall be walking, ever so slowly, ever so carefully, to the loo. Like I’m transporting nitroglycerin in a Conestoga over the Sierra Nevada.
Why are top brands getting more attention while your unique, innovative ideas stay underrated? Here is some #ThursdayAdwisdom. The truth is that you may be missing out on one of the most fundamental rules of selling – grabbing consumer’s interest. #digitalmarketing
Explaining to my wife that she should induce labor now so our son will be the first kid named Cybertruck.
I hate it when all of North America tells me I exaggerate
BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?
BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?
I can smell what the neighbour is grilling but I’ll still yell over “what’s for dinner tonight”? and he’ll say “burgers” and then I’ll say “smells good”.
Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
friend: our baby was a surprise
me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how
I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!
amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one
Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers
sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance
Interviewer: It says here on your resume you can make chicks laugh, how?
Me [holding a chick in my hand & tickling it]: I’m a miracle worker
these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro
hey i noticed you’re not saying what i want
5: Mom, look at me!
Me: I’m in the shower
5: Look at me!
Me: I can’t!
5: Because you’re in the shower?
Me: Yes!
5: Fine, but can you just look at me?!
I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.
{at the dentist}
Hygienist: Let’s just have a look
Me, panicking: I’m so sorry! I used all my dental floss to lace my shoes.
Hygienist: Last time you said you were abducted by aliens who wouldn’t let you floss.
I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS
[inventing wind]
God: hand me some of the air from yesterday
Angel: what are you going to do?
God: I’m gonna make it angry
The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.
some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.
A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.