Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

4-year-old: Why do my hands taste funny?

Me: I don’t know. Go wash them.

4: Don’t you want to taste them first?

me: i just love traveling!

my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about

3 month plan:
1. Get a man
2. Plan fancy dinner
3. Check in on Facebook
4. Instagram dinner
5. Make that bitch Kelly jealous of you for once

I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.

I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.

if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot

I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.

Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?

me: that’s my wife susan

him: please pass the salt, ma’am

me: idk she’s pretty lazy

her: [rotates entire table]

me: but strong

We don’t have any popcorn, so I’m just eating butter and salt.

Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.

There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.

“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…

Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.

Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝

? 💀

Text: CMAO

Me: I think you mean LMAO, for “Laughing my ass off.”

That guy in 127 Hours who got his arm trapped under a boulder: No.

Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.

Me: What about sharks?

Society: We’ll give them a whole week.

Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up

Me: ‘This may be the booze talking, but that is a VERY snazzy outfit you have on there.’

Cop: ‘Step out of the car, please.’

When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her

The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.

4: Mom can I have a snack?

Me: Yeah hang on

4: Did you mean yes?

Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother

Just yelled “LET’S DO THIS” when getting into my car, so my neighbors think I am doing something way cooler than my weekly Target run.

Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo

Cop: [knocks]

Dinosaur: can I help you?

Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire

[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]

Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.

Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.

Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.

Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?

Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?

Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*