Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.

Why did they call it an Amazon wishlist and not an ‘Oughttobuyography’.

[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.

[Speed dating]

Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!

I’m giving up sex for lent mostly because I’m not having any anyway so it seems like the easiest and most logical choice for this journey.

Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.

I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up

ADAM: oh look the McRib is back

EVE: stop calling me that

The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.

Definitely less than a hundred.

my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no

Killer: come out come out wherever you are

Me: *hiding*

Killer: omg what a cute puppy!

Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man

I bought someone’s groceries today and it felt really good… I took a cart that looked like it had what I needed, bought it and left. Saved a lot of time grocery shopping. Amazing feeling.

Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.

[superhero meeting]
“What’s your enemy called?”
“Dr Doom. Yours?”
“Joker”
[stifles laughter]
“I HAVE OTHERS”
“Ye-”
“Penguin”
[just loses it]

If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.

My toddler has had a rough day. I gave her regular milk instead of chocolate and Peppa Pig didn’t oink enough

Just banged my head but unfortunately it didn’t knock any more sense into it.

When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.

When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to fix a car. We would drive to the mechanic and he would be like, “fix my car.”

Gonna spend the day staring at the Sun. Eclipse practice.

A short story about romance.

If you work in an office trust that you have a nickname.

Everyone has a nickname.

If you don’t know yours, rest assured that it’s not very flattering.

Just ask Midlife crisis Matt over there.

[halftime]

Coach: Okay men we’re literally losing at basketball to a dog… any ideas?
-I have one.
*pulls out vacuum with a jersey on*

bet marie kondo is wishing she had more shit in her house right about now.

My boss called in sick of me

Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.

I’m enjoying a run through the sprinkler, but everyone else “smells smoke” and “thinks we should leave the conference room”

Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early

if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs