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ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head
His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.
Love this joke:
Apparently one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is having no taste. Looking back on all my exes, I think I’ve been infected for years!
*replies to everyone’s subtweets
“I love you too baby”
Parents, if your child asks, “Why do you look so tired all the time?” Don’t sugarcoat things; let them know you didn’t start looking this way until after they were born.
car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha
me: ok phew haha
*muffled screaming*
car salesman: 100%
I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant
Friend: She really likes you.
Me: Oh yeah?
Friend: She thinks you hung the moon.
Me: *who has been plotting for years to strangle the moon* Not yet.
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
HER: what’s with all the finger pointing
ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition
Mum to child: Have you got a sticker we could use?
Child produces 6 billion.
Due to a shortage of coloured paper, I am having to dismantle all my origami animals. I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
“dont get conned into spendin our lottery money”
i wont
[calls wife back]
will 2 sharks fit in our pool?
“NO”
ok
[to salesman]
one shark pls
I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?
When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.
WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.
ME: {drinking toast} Why?
Ha
People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?
Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo
I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.
“When a girl says ‘Awww Thanks!’, it means she’s politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from.”
Brad Pitt wears a skirt and he breaks the internet. I wear one and the HOA is all, “Cease and desist!” and “You’re hurting our eyeballs!” and “You are uninvited to the pancake breakfast!”
How do you make a cat stand completely still?
Press paws.
just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping
Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
I’m so poor I can only afford Middle Ramen.
16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.
I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.
Me: I’m never getting married again no matter what anybody says.
Her: I made us cheeseburgers.
Me: uh oh.
I taught my 4yo niece to play poker today. It got pretty cutthroat, & I’m now the proud owner of a Barbie Dream house & her entire Hatchimal collection.