Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS

Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.

Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?

Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married you

Me: Apology accepted

They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.

Me: I look like shit today.

Shit: you wish buddy.

Me: I haven’t tweeted in days.
Wife: Oh no! Hold on…

*opens laptop
*types

Wife: Phew!
Me: What?
Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.

Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.

Recipe called for 3 eggs. Only had 2. No problem, I thought, I’ll just cut the recipe by one third.

Deep within the ingredient list, 2 and 2/3 cups of Bisquick cackled, basking in the moment it would reveal itself, far too late for anything to stop the math that would be needed

Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.

accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off

I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.

I named him Gasper.

Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.

This Turtle was Found by U.S. Coast Guard with $53 million Worth of Cocaine Attached to It.

me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”

Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”

*holding flashlight to face*

And then I pressed……update all.

*children screaming*

Cats are about as useful as a football bat.

*Farmer walks into job application

Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn’t have a computer.

Employer: BOOM! Tech support!

Yesterday I took my first grade class to meet our new librarian. After leaving, one 6yo asked me if the old librarian left because she wanted to read different books.

co-worker: hey-

me: what is it I’m very busy

co-worker: your bluetooth is connected to the breakroom tv

[we keep eye contact as I try to pause shrek 2 but accidentally just turn up the volume]

My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.

-I win

I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?

You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.

mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday

I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead

A museum guard accused me of trying to steal a 4,000-year-old papyrus but I explained that my skin just gets like that in the winter.

Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.