Check out the legs on this baby
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*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..
I said , “The red runny type”.
Them: You look tired.
Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.
[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
so awkward to break up with a friend at the Renaissance Fair who is the back-half of your Centaur costume 😥
I’m single in quarantine and just found a box of googly eyes. I’m going to place them on objects around the house because I miss social anxiety.
I rented this bobcat to help me dig up my new pool but he won’t even hold the shovel. He’s just eating all the neighborhood squirrels.
I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.
I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation
Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?
ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication
My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
Daughter: I love you mommy
Me: I love you!
Daughter: I’m not talking to you. I’m playing with my dinosaurs.
Me: Cool cool cool.
Me muttering: ungrateful little…
ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang
SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?
ME: I have no idea
Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her! And that’s when my son went back to playing Minecraft 🙁
Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”
Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.
I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*“how’s everything tasting folks”
My baby girl and I like to play a game called poop or toot. She makes a face and I get to sniff her diaper. There are no winners.
A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”
[Weather Channel Secret Memo]
To technical crews:
If blizzard doesn’t reach predicted intensity, shoot all exteriors through snow-globes.
My neighbor has a huge warehouse/shop and is alway in there banging away on something or doing stuff but never really producing anything. I just know that one day Dateline is going to interview me and ask if I knew what was going on in there…
How to care for cast iron properly:
1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.
My dog’s pissed cos I buy him Senior food. He won’t admit he’s older now. So I scratch out the “i” on each can & tell him it’s Mexican food.
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back