Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.
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Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on
Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding
I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing
me: [buying $2 ice cream with $100 bill] is this enough?
cnn: [mashing calculator] oh gosh it’s gonna be close
therapist: would you say youre an optimist or pessimist?
me: im not sure
therapist: well when you look at your drink you brought in do you think it’s half full or empty?
me: did…did you drink half of my milkshake?
therapist: *wiping away milk moustache* i’ll put pessimist
You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet
I once had a tweet go bacterial.
{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.
Normally don’t love when patients lie to me but today a patient said I was tall and my 5’8 self believed them
Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after
i hate you platonically
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
Me: I think you should have a long bath tonight
Son: but we’ve only a got a regular-sized one
Me: I’ve never been prouder of you
*Last week on “Models Who Weren’t Expecting To Be Eaten By Bears”*
JADE: When I was eaten by a bear, I was like what is happening lol
Pretty sure HR is going to be paying me a visit, thanks to the CW that emailed to thank me for “all the services I provided them”.
ME: you look great tonight
DATE: the average woman eats six to nine pounds of lipstick over her lifetime
ME: [nervously flipping thru menu] i don’t think they serve that here
Me [at the stove for 14 hours]: well it’s true, a watched pot never boils
Wife: you’re supposed to put water in it
No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.
-kids
my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides
the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.
Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”
you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club
Reasons I work out.
1) I don’t wanna be bit by a vampire and spend eternity out of shape and double chinned.
2) I guess to be healthy
“Always give your food a rinse before you eat it,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made terrible sandwiches.
Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.
The secret society of the bean keepers is called the leguminati.
I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.
Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: Coffin.
Doc: get out