Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I get all the cardio I need by running out of patience.

Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers

‘I HATE drama!’ -Dramatic people

if you sweat while you eat it should count as a workout

It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house

me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?

wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns

I got a new fitness tracker. Last night at 11pm, it alerted me I only needed 1785 more steps to complete the goal. My friend, no.

when you order from DoorDastardly

Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.

Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.

Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.

You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…

When the world gets you down, always remember that only idiots get cheered up by cheap philosophical bullshit and you’re better than that.

Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.

Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.

Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep

*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*

Things I constantly worry about pressing:

1. “Like” while ex stalking
2. Send all drafts
3. A baby’s soft spot

Yes, this list is in order.

Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.

The reason I don’t trust polls is because the people being polled are people who willingly answer the phone when an unknown number is calling them

We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters

My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.

I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.

This is so wrong 😂

I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.

I’ve never understood the purpose of apps like Nextdoor. It sounds like it’s all just insane people looking out their window and then writing “suspicious man in brown shirt and shorts left three suspicious boxes in our lobby”

That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.

Here’s the complete list of must have items for a middle aged woman when travelling away from home:

– Tweezers

In an attempt to groggily say hello, I sent “moron” instead of “morning” in a chat to my boss. How’s your day?

PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough

DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did an assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol

Kids: Can we have cookies for breakfast?

Wife: Absolutely not.

Kids: Then why is he eating cookies for breakfast?

Me [mouth full of Oreos]: BECUFF IM AN ADULTF

It’s a real shame Friday doesn’t come as quick as I do