Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial

“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”

Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away

calling in to work dehydrated

– “It Wasn’t Me” plays on radio

10: why were they naked banging on the bathroom floor?
Me:
10:
Me: a robber came, took all their clothes then locked them in the bathroom and they were trying to alert people to their situation
10: weird
Me: so weird
10:
Me:
10: cool
Me: cool

Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?

Lawyer: where were you last Thursday night?

Me: I was hanging out with all of my friends

Lawyer: remember, you took an oath

Me: just one friend

Lawyer: an oath on the Bible

Me: *looks at ground* it was my mom

Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.

I’m so pro-life,

I believe life begins at erection.

At my grandma’s house and just accidentally let out a “yall stop running in and out” omg it’s over 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔

I’m two weeks older than my boyfriend so my favorite thing to do is say “when I was your age…” and then just describe whatever I was doing two weeks ago

If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.

When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here’s what she said to me:

No.

Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory

Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits

I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.

I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.

Jurassic Park 7: Nothing goes wrong and everyone just genuinely enjoys the company of the dinosaurs

Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends

Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying

I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.

SCIENTIST: Dear God! Were… were you chewing bubble gum when you went through the teleporter??

ME, a pink, lumpy man-shaped blob: Uh… no.

SCIENTIST: Oh… sorry.

Alarm clock set for 6:00 am

Bladder set for 5:54 am

Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain
Me: Deal

If you don’t know what to say, people absolutely love talking about potatoes

Woman came up to me in Target & whispered, “You have toilet paper hanging out of your shorts.”
I said, “Well don’t you have nerve. No one EVER bothers me about my tail at the WalMart.”

My 9yo just made a poster for his new math tutoring service, which he claims is “free,” “easy,” and “not under investigation by the state.”

my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”

A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, “Looks like Santa lost his temper again.”

[creation of spinach]

God: Make it slimy and gross when they cook it, like seaweed. And it should be dark green, and when they eat it, it sticks in their teeth.

Angel: Is everything okay at home?

One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.

The first thing I’m going to do when I’m rich is buy an airline flight for everyone who works at the DMV and then delay the flight forever.