Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice

I don’t need a participation trophy. I don’t want anyone to know that I was here.

Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.

How did girls text before emojis?

Hey I can’t wait to see you tonight! PARTY HAT MARTINI GLASS NOISEMAKER BEER MUG CAT DOG SUNGLASSES POOP

Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.

Having a panic attack thinking about how there’s somebody in Australia standing directly under me

My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.

[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!

Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can

Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy

Me: Hello darkness my old friend

Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan

I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.

You can buy a family sized shawarma platter it’s okay they don’t even check

My Kids: Close enough

*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home

genie: i will grant you any wish

me: i wish soup was spelled like soop

genie: [frowning] no

[commencement speech]
when I look out at all your faces, I see future leaders & scientists who will change the world, I also see probable felons & a whole bunch of divorcees, some of you will be great inventors, some of you will get a dui and- what? no I don’t go to this school

My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!

⛄️

If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.

brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it

5 and 11 months: When I was a baby six years ago I was happy.

Me: You weren’t born yet then.

5: No, I mean when I was in your tummy. I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want and it was dark and warm.

Me: *Sigh* And you didn’t fight with me on eating your dinner either.

had to tell my son that santa isn’t real in the middle of the night because he was hysterical about a strange man coming into the house, but made him *promise* not to tell his younger sister that he doesn’t exist. so instead he told her that santa’s dead

this is what they would have looked like, though

Daughter: He found a garter snake

Mom: Oh crap, if he names it he’ll want to keep-

Dad: *walking in the door* Welcome home, Hiss Pratt

Mom: Damn it

i would wish you the best but i am the best

Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour

My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.

I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok

‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me

“Oh my gosh, this is the biggest donut I’ve ever seen.”
“Mam, that’s a tire.”
“Kids, get me a napkin.”

Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect – A Guide to Dying Alone.