Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ever wondered why newborn’s clothes have pockets? They’re for their teeny tiny notepad & pen, so they can write down everything you’re doing wrong as a parent.

I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.

Welcome home! How was your trip? Do you want to hear the good news about your plants or the bad news about your cat?

“They’re gray with gray stripes”

– me warning my dog about skunks

Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.

*popular kid is struggling in class

*gets a tutor to help

*Kool-Aid

So annoying that in order to meet new people you need to go out and meet new people. Ideally I would have known you in a past life

I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick

Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute

[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]

Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.

Dating advice: Don’t just tell her you have diarrhea, show her

A boy asks his mom, “Why am I black and you’re white?” She says, “Don’t even go there. The way that party went, you’re lucky you don’t bark”

It’s wild how I barely notice the flavor of a cucumber when I bite into one, but when I taste an “infused” water I’m like BY JOVE, A CUCUMBER’S BEEN HERE I’D BET MY LIFE ON IT.

When I randomly walk into a room in my home and find my kids playing quietly together I slowly and silently back out like I’ve stumbled into a den of hungry velociraptors who by some miracle haven’t noticed me yet.

The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.

I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up

Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.

I’ve not watched The Traitors and to be honest it’s not as good as not watching Love Island

I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.

standing over the sink eating leftovers with my dad like we are two bears that just broke into someones home

Doctor: I’m afraid you have high blood pressure. I suggest cutting back on your sodium intake.

Me [sipping ramen broth out of a Starbucks cup]: Okay, explain to me what sodium is again.

Justin Bieber breaks up with Selena Gomez… the same week Black Ops 2 comes out? Good call Justin.

Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.

[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this

Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.

If it comes down to me and a plate of fried food, there will only be one victor. And that victor will be slightly nauseous and have the meat sweats.

evil queen: would you like an apple?

me [is snow white]: nah not really

evil queen: but it’s a magic wishing apple!

me: meh, even so

Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.

Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.

The digits of your phone number tell you what you need in that order:

1. Booze
2. Drugs
3. Wealth
4. Popularity
5. Health
6. Jesus
7. We’ve been through this before
8. You know where I’m going with this?
9. Well then, let me remind you.
0. You’re.. An.. Say it with me.. Idiot..