Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Now who done made this a sport lmao

Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?

2020: *deep breath*

My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.

Saw a fess on here how someone randomly texted their wife saying “I love you” and it saved their marriage. Tried it and now my wife thinks I am having an affair as it’s out of character

Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.

[dollar store]

“how much for your finest dollar?”

[first date]

Me: so what do you do

Her: I’m a stay at home mom

Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house

Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I’ll have to turn to Facebook.

When we die, do you think that we go to heaven and reunite with all of the socks we have lost over the years? And St. Peter is just smiling like “go on in, they’re waiting for you” and it’s just a plush, green meadow full of all of your lost socks frolicking in the sun.

DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.

Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken

Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken

Our descendants will have smart toilets that will alert them to internal illnesses and trends in their diets just from their daily constitutional. I’m so glad I’ll be dead by then.

HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk

Stages of beard length:
1.) sexy stubble
2.) sea captain
3.) prisoner of war
4.) homeless person
5.) wizard

Now that I’m a dad, I can just fearlessly blurt out “Congress are a bunch of losers” and go back to reading the sports section.

A bridesmaid, but to carry the end of my CVS receipt.

*first date*

Him: You have a very defined jawline.

Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.

My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.

I forgot how to panic. Help

[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler

If you ban teenagers from social media who are our hardworking podcasters going to dm?

I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats

Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter

#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed

You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.

Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed

Lion eating me: sorry

[at the gym]

Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?

Waldo: Please don’t do that.

[hotel fire alarm]

M: *in pjs* How did people get dressed and outside so quickly?

H: It’s 10am, they were already dressed.

M: impressive

There is actually a grim reaper for every species. The mantis reaper is the coolest and the scariest and she doesn’t even have to use a scythe.

Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship