“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
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Nonparents be like: I would simply instruct the toddler to do something he doesnt want to do, and he would obey
Every. Damn. Time.
Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him
Weighing your giraffe: a guide:
1) Become VERY strong
2) Weigh yourself
3) Weigh yourself again, holding your giraffe
4) Subtract figure one from figure two
“ i don’t like taylor swift ” 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
[police lineup]
Cop: step forward and say ‘boing boing’
Suspect 1: boing boing
Suspect 2: boing boing
Desk lamp: boing boing
Wife of Pixar’s letter i: that’s the one. He killed my husband
If an astronaut goes really fast they’re a fastronaut
Them: What is wrong with you?
Me: How much time do you have?
One time in chemistry I hid my lab partner’s beaker and he turned into a mad scientist.
Didn’t realize I was playing kitchen jenga until I went to get a Tupperware from the middle & an avalanche of Tupperwares came flying at me 🙁
My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
*wonders if people named Mike shout “mic drop” instead of “parkour” when they fall over
Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.
There are two types of moms: those who wish the recital had booze and those who smuggle booze into the recital.
Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.
Me *jumps from one existential crisis to another*: Parkour!
4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!
Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.
4: Why?
Mugger: “Hand over your wallet and that ring you’re wearing.”
Me: “You can have my wallet but I’m going swimming and I need the inflatable to help me stay afloat.”
The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole
Not my fault if the kids give up too soon
LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
The wife & I fought last night. Saying things that can’t be taken back. Like perishable goods. Baby food. DVDs with broken seals. Underwear.
[first date w/ someone who works on an online support chat window]
me: [pulls away from passionate kiss goodnight] this was fun, let’s do i it again sometime…
her: definitely
me: [turns to walk away]
her: thanks for chatting. is there anything else I can help you with today?
My kids lost a Barbie shoe.
I dug in the trash and found one.
It was from a set they didn’t know was missing
Now I’m looking for 2 shoes.
In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.
To the girl with the nazi swastika avi that just rt’d me…… You just rt’d a Jew!!!! Enjoy your evening shalom
I’m watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me.
hey i know we haven’t talked since high school but we’re celebrating our 10 year friendversary on facebook. what are u up to tonight lol