“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
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Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.
Son: What IS it?
Daughter: Dunno. Maybe a possum?
S: Should it be that color?
D: Try poking it.
Me: I’M NEVER COOKING FOR YOU GUYS AGAIN.
Sing it!
I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.
My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun
Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.
The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”
I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies
My long legs mean I can emerge gracefully from an SUV. After that, every step looks like I was just released from a zero gravity experiment.
Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.
Email translations:
“I was under the impression”
Translation: I’m furious“As per my email”
Translation: I’m furious“With respect”
Translation: I’m furious“Whilst I appreciate”
Translation: I’m furious“As I’m sure you’re aware”
Translation: I’m furious“As previously discussed”
Translation: I’m furious
im so bored im gonna join a poly relationship and stage a coup and kick the main one out
I hate when people refer to some tv shows or snacks as “guilty pleasures.” You shouldn’t feel guilty based on what you’re eating or watching. You should feel guilty all the time.
Jacob Marley: Tonight you’ll be visited by 2 ghosts.
Scrooge: I thought it was 3.
Jacob Marley: Lol no it’s 2017 there is no future.
So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?
Surely it must be just Zealand by now.
Me: What’s the word for a female scientist?
Him: A scientist?
Me: No, a ‘ResearcHER,’ Haha get it?
Him: I get that we’re never going on a second date
Funny how we say “I drank a *pot* of coffee” instead of “I drank fourteen cups of coffee and chased the cat around the hot tub with a sword”
Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it’s just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.
My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.
If you pull this stunt in front of me at security stg I’ll call the cops
If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you’ll be if you’re breaking a chair on someone’s head every day.
To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…
*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here
Chess with Australians must get so confusing.
“Check, mate.”
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”
Pooh on Cold Callers:
These are very kind people who call you to ask if you’ve been injured at work. They are so thoughtful they ring several times a day just to make sure you’re all right. I keep telling them I don’t know what work is but they still keep calling me anyway…
The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
when I was a teenager learning to drive, I was very concerned about what would happen if I had to sneeze while driving. someone would tell me what to do, and I would be like, “ok. and if I sneeze?”