“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
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She was REALLY feeling it.
Interviewer: describe yourself
Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person
[checking my phone]
“i hope this email finds you being mauled” ha ha what in the heck
[suddenly a bear is in my kitchen]
Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio
i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?
Somebody call the cops.
running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.
We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.~ The Disclaimers.
*Tweets funniest tweet ever
*Dies laughing
*Over 6 billion die laughing
*Germany and Russia survive
*Coz nobody left to explain the joke
Did you know Yoda has a last name?
It’s Layheehoo…
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
[i get run over by a bus]
MEDIA: flattened idiot has troubled past, has written over 600 pages of sexualized shrek fan fiction
There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.
wife *opens First Aid kit*
me:
wife: Why would you fill it with Cheetos?
me [bleeding] It was funny at the time
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
Shakespeare: ugh! I do no want to people today
Bee: that’s funny. It doesn’t even occur to me whether or not I want to bee
Shakespeare: *discreetly taking notes
Wife: we can’t curse around the kids anymore.
Me: what should I say instead of bull-
Wife: shhh say snake instead.
Me: [whispers] this is snakeshit.
We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!
Pedant: Actually…
[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]
Utility company website: Are you a bot?
Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.
Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.
Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!
[Bar]
SEXY GIRL: Wanna go back to my house?
ME: That’s ok, thanks, I have my own house[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
Pilot intercom: We are currently 30,000 feet in the air.
Me to my wife: No way there are 15,000 people on this plane.
Wife to flight attendant: Are there any other seats available?
Tim Cook bravely announces he’s gay.
The world pats his hand like a kindly grandmother.
“We know, dear.”
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
Me: can I see the dessert menu please?
Waiter: No. Not before you finish your vegetables.~family owned restaurants.
NEWS: 1.3 million people die in car accidents a year
ME: [driving with my knees so I can put two hands on my burger] that’s hard to believe
“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside