Check your privilege
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I buried our dead snowman in the neighbor’s backyard
My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”
I’m not a very religious person…until it’s 94 degrees and the power goes out.
At that point I pray to every god, savior and deity from that “COEXIST” bumper sticker.
i used to side with chief brody but now i’m team mayor because the shark’s only gonna eat 1-2 more people & he’ll be stuffed. we’ll sell soo many shark toys
*turns on Barry White*
*lights a candle*
*dims the light*Doctor: So…have you ever had a rectal exam before?
Me: What do you say when someone shows you a pic of their ugly baby?
Friend: Just make a comment like “Look at all that hair!”
[looking at pic later on]
Me: Look at all that nose!
GF: “I’m telling you now! Size does not matter, it doesn’t make you any less important.”
BF: “Yeah? Well explain that to Pluto.”
“Theirye’re” problem solved
Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.
two things can be true at once. for instance, I love my children more than anything, and I am also constantly counting the hours until bedtime to the goddamn second
WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break
There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug
Do I love my coworkers? No.
But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?
Also no…
Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.
This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.
I had a terrible dream that monsters came out from under the bed at night and ate up all the pecan pie. I woke up screaming MY PIE
Roses are brown,
Violets are brown,
Daisies are brown,I’m a terrible gardener.
“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter
shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
Pizza will never hurt your feelings.
ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.
As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.
“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”
11-year-old: *practicing her saxophone at home* How was that?
Me: Great!
11: Want to hear it again?
Me: I can only take so much greatness in one day.
I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.
“I want us to exercise together and eat more salads”, I said, turning to the spouse-shaped cartoon hole in the wall.
Inventing The Octopus-
God: *watching humans freak out over spiders on land* Hey you know what would be HILARIOUS…?