Check your privilege
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wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year
remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair
Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…
The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.
Divorce:
Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street
Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.
I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.
TOP STORY: Do websites create articles with lists and arbitrary numbers to get you to click through? Here are 15 examples you wont believe
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
The only thing I hate more than answering my phone is checking my voice mail messages
You see my problem here
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
*Slams suitcase shut*
Me: Case closed.
Judge: Stop doing that.
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
Okey dokey.
There was a time you couldn’t drive a computer if you didn’t have a driving license…
How dude HOW?!
The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.
If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …
*Stands in wood & sets self on fire*
“OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”
I want to look hot on tinder.
ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?
6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.
“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.
Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today
Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.
Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.
*Roommate recording a lullaby album in his room*
*me banging on his door* HEY!! Can you sing a little louder?? I’m trying to sleep!!