Check your privilege
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starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks
My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.
Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
looking for a job in america is kinda wild
You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don’t fully wake up?
That’s the whole month of January for me
[crab overhears the words ‘crab cakes’]
*applauds with tiny crab clawed excitement* oooh cakes for crabs
[crab sees the crab cakes]
oh no. oh god no.
Her: HELP I’M ON FIRE!!
ME: *slow drag on cigarette* Technically, the fire is on you.
Most people quit when their ahead
Then there’s me
Hi
Drunkenly got behind the wheel last night
in case you were wondering how things are going these days for the generation that attended kindergarten exclusively via zoom…
our 6yo has started surreptitiously playing wordle on his school-issued chromebook while in class and skyping us his score
I have a PhD
Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem
Have we established if Joe has a legitimate medical condition with this “cotton eye”?Are we dancing our asses off to diseases,like assholes?
Me: C’mon.
Dog: No.
Me: Let’s go.
Dog: No.
Me: Please?
Dog: YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?!?
Me: It’s just rain.
Dog: I already pooped in your shoe.
My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.
If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don’t judge her, you’re also eating at Applebees.
In the next James Bond movie 007 has to prevent a Congolese arms dealer from selling nuclear-grade plutonium to a Nevada couple planning a gender reveal
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
We didn’t think of the ecosystem when we abolished Mondays. Dying of starvation, we watch as our crops are devoured by millions of Garfields
COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.
If you had more money you’d be happier.
If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.
literally so stressful to bag your own groceries in front of a trader joes employee. like playing basketball in front of lebron. please can you scan slower. i’m sweaty and i am getting scared
No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
Scientists have yet to pinpoint why the universe sends a loud car, barking dog or gale force winds past your house just as your kid is about to drift off to sleep.
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
Me: *turns on faucet*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*
Me: *turns on the garbage disposal*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*Repeat forever.
SCAM ALERT: if on Halloween someone leaves a large wooden horse outside your door, DO NOT bring it inside. it is a TRICK not a TREAT
It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.
CEO: we’re shutting down 60 offices to save $$ and everyone will work at home.
me: cool. do i get a bigger raise next year then?
CEO: haha no. but we will give you your office chair for free