Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Damn girl, are you the majority of the American population? Because you look like you could use a high-speed rail

I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.

did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?

WIFE: I’m leaving you

ME: oh no what happened?

WIFE: you don’t pay attention to me anymore

ME: this is awful I’ve been working so hard at this

WIFE: it doesn’t feel like you-

ME: it must not have saved!

WIFE:

ME: *pauses video game* I’m sorry what were you saying?

I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.

overheard in the elevator
dude 1: “I have a song stuck in my head, it’s killing me”
dude 2: “aw man yeah, I’ve got like 4”
dude 1: “at least you’ve got a playlist”

At some point, a guy looked at an onion that was clearly purple & called it red. AND WE’RE JUST SITTING HERE LETTING IT HAPPEN.

who called it girl dinner and not the female graze.

ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?

I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.

When our food came, I suddenly blanked on “bon appetite” and blurted out “mea culpa,” but she seemed fine with it.

JOSEPH: oh thank god you’re here

MARY: did you bring the diapers blankets and formula

WISE MAN: no i brought myrrh

I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.

*I reach for the thermostat*
*my dad runs in barking*
*neighbor’s dad starts barking*
*within seconds all the neighborhood dads are barking*

Coworker: You’ll never guess what happened to me this weekend!

Me: You’re right. *walks away*

This took me a few seconds.. 😅

[Afterlife]

“I died in WW2 fighting nazis”

“I died in Syria fighting terrorists”

Me: (confidently) you guys heard of the tide pod challenge?

[interrupts gf talking about her dream wedding]
lol a horse drawn carriage?
“what’s funny about that?”
a horse can’t hold a pencil karen

Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.

Every day, my kids walk around the basket of clothes in their room to avoid putting them away.

So, I guess it’s hereditary.

A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.

Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.

Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.

AI could never write that episode of Bones where the serial killer imprinted malware onto the victim’s bones, so when they got scanned in the lab the computers got a virus and set themselves on fire

Outside: Massive bolts of lightning. Deafening roars of thunder. Buckets of rain pouring from the heavens as the lights flicker.

Alexa: A thunderstorm warning has been issued-

Me: NO SHIT ALEXA

You hear a lot about golden retriever boyfriends but not girlfriends. I am one. Always excited to see you, motivated by treats and pets, constantly shedding

Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’

“We survived WW2 we can get through Brexit!”
“Gareth you are 41 and have never even gone paintballing what the absolute shit are you talking about”

Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.

CW: can i ask a stupid question

ME: sure u seem qualified