Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.

what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question

I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to

Me: *thinking I hear someone breaking in* MY BOYFRIEND’S HERE & I HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me: THATS RIGHT, BOYFRIEND
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK WE’RE TAKING A BREAK BECAUSE HE’S TRYING TO REASSESS HIS EMOTIONAL PRIORITIES BUT I DO HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK IT’S A BOOMERANG

The U.S. Military is the most fearsome fighting force the world’s ever known. That we’re amassing thousands at the border to “repel” desperate women and children 100s of miles away is an insult – to those in uniform, to the intelligence of the American people, and to our values.

Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.

I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.

I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/

Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.

This quarantine is making it hard to ignore calls from people I don’t want to talk to. It’s not like I can say “Sorry mom I was at the movies.”

The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.

I like how “not my circus, not my monkeys” softly implies that you DO have a circus—perhaps even complete with monkeys—but this isn’t it

The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”

When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up

WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?

I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.

the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell

As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.

the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.

[pilot on plane intercom] Is there a doctor on boa… *extreme vomiting noises*… Is there an exorcist on boa… *sound of pilot being eaten*…[demon voice] Does anyone on board have any tabasco sauce?

99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her

Angel: So the sins are deadly.

God: Yep!

Angel: So like, do you die if you commit one?

God: Well, no.

Angel: So why call them deadly?

God: It’s like *waving arms* spooky, you know?

13: *walking into room*

Me: (on phone, talking about types of tomato plants) I like big boys. I’ve had good luck with them in the past.

13: *makes horrified face, turns, walks back out*

big announcement, i’m working on a new horror property

[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Me: yeah
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip

air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.

my kid is in her bed kicking her wall in morse code.

nope, scratch that. It’s either Wheels on the Bus or Bohemian Rhapsody, but I’m gonna tell her either way to go ahead and skip to the end

Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.

I’d heard there was a secret chord
To charge my phone, and I need it, Lord
But you don’t know where it’s hiding right now, do you?
I feel forsaken –
The fourth, the fifth chords in the house are taken,
The baffled dad complaining…Hallelujah
Hell yeah, I found it, Hallelujah

Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid