[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
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“What’s that?”
A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I’m a little bit closer to freedom.
*puts in dollar* “WTH!?!”
The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.
I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.
I don’t care how hardcore you are. If you don’t cry when Dumbo visits his mommy in elephant jail, you have no soul.
When I play the kazoo, I play to win
I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?
Always be yourself…
Unless you run into one of your exes…
Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…
If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it
I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.
I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car
I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.
“you’re odd”
“you are also odd”
“yes”
“so we’re even”
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don’t both know this is a goddamn race
*cries over spilt milk*
*cries under spilt milk*
*cries adjacent to spilt milk*
*cries immediately to the left of spilt milk*
*cries diagona
Does Target have crack floating through their air vents? Went in to buy milk, came out with a giraffe, 6-pack, someone’s kid, and a headache
(interview for construction job)
Foreman: Your resume is just pictures of LEGOs?
Me: (proudly) Didn’t even have to look at the instructions
Growing up is just going from hearing “we have food at home” to saying “we have food at home”.
My MIL is savage. She got into an argument with her husband while we were staying at their house, and when I posted photos of our weekend with them, she liked each of my photos except the one he was in.
#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!
I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.
I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.
If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.
9-year-old: I missed a word on my spelling test.
Me: That’s okay. I used to have trouble spelling.
9: But then you got better?
Me: No. I got spell check.
Inventing The Octopus-
God: *watching humans freak out over spiders on land* Hey you know what would be HILARIOUS…?
What base is it when she says, “I saw a box of fish sticks and thought of you”?
“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”
[from outside]
“…hakuna banana.”
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.