[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
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My attitude hurts, I’m going to bed
Children receive an average of $3.70 for each tooth from the Tooth Fairy.
I suppose that’s because the resale market is so limited.
Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent?
This is the last straw.
He just lost my vote in 2020.
If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.
The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.
Mary had a little lamb. The doctors are all really confused.
It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.
Let’s pray for her.
RIP cat who thought sunglasses would stop Medusa
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
Mom: here comes the plane!
Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?
I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings
GUY: my new boss is gay
ME: my new bed sheets are warm
GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?
ME: exactly
Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.
My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.
Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
Nice that I’ll hear “Just a little prick” today because I’m giving blood samples and not from some random person replying to my tweets for once.
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
His tongue explored the hole, probing deeper and deeper until she just couldn’t take it any more.
‘Would you just eat your donut already?!?’
Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain 😉
[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo
My phone case doesn’t expose the logo on the back. So it could be anything. I could be speaking on two mirrors with foam in the middle.
Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”
If it ain’t broke, my kids haven’t used it yet.
[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty
‘…um….’
– the first cow ever milked
Wife: “Sorry, but my OBGYN said no sex for six weeks after childbirth.”
Me: “Oh, ok. What about…”
Wife: “My dentist said six weeks too.”
Every episode of Kitchen Nightmares Gordon Ramsay is like “have a clean restaurant and serve fresh food” and the owners are like “oh shit we never thought of that”