@prufrockluvsong

[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag

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@UnFitz

Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.

@dorsalstream

[lights 2019 calendar on fire]

Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.

[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]

@TheLincoln

For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!

@markleggett

A man who calls himself “Dog the Bounty Hunter” is currently hunting down a man named “War Machine”. We all live inside a comic book now.

@ruinedpicnic

There’s a marble statue of Mr. Peanut sculpted by Michaelangelo in the basement of the Sistine Chapel that only the popes know about

@Shen_the_Bird

doctor: you have a brain disorder that causes you to give the most ridiculous responses to serious news

wife: [crying]

me: that’s a spicy meatball

@khanyew3st

Guys I just seen this girl crying outside of my local mall. I asked her what’s wrong, she said she lost 200$. So I gave her 40$ from the 200$ I picked up at the entrance. When God blesses you, you must bless others. Spread love. ❤️❤️

@perlapell

My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.

@OmarImranTweets

“Y dnt u Muslims tell ISIS to stop”

Ok hold up *pulls out iphone*

“Yo ISIS habibi,its me plz stop”

ISIS:”ok habibi sorry,shisha tonight?”