[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
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I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.
It’s easy to watch movies on this plane! Just download our app, set your phone to airplane mode, turn on your wifi, select our wifi, go to our website, enter in the special key, add a photo of your driver’s license, enter your social security number twice, give us your first born.
ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.
“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.
Nooooooooo!!!
🌴🌿🪸🍀🌳
When cooking for a date for the first time I use plenty of garlic so we can get the whole “vampire/not a vampire” question out of the way.
I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship
I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: night<3
me: goodnight stars 🙂
moon: wtf
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me
I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff
I don’t have many steadfast rules in life, but one of them is to always decline grated cheese from anyone with band-aids on their knuckles
girls literally only want one thing..
ROMEO:But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
ME:Well if you’d just sod off like I asked, I wouldn’t have to throw lamps at you.
Sounds about right. 😂🤣
[restaurant]
Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when
Me: huh? why
Waiter: when means stop
Me: oh
Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other
Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other
I’m not paranoid but if you’re plotting against me let me know so I can prepare some snacks beforehand.
Are wings and mini tacos okay?
A wise man once said if you understand why pizza is round, placed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle you will also understand falling victim to reading a long meaningless tweet and then share it in hopes of making someone else a victim of the tweeters cruel game.
Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that
I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars
Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party
Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??
Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.
me: [tries to write “perfect”]
my phone’s swipe function: clearly you meant “prefect” since you often discuss student hierarchies in british boarding schools
Me: So you were stuck in Limbo? What was that like?
Spirit: Not too bad, really. It was better than that time I got stuck in a conga line.
Moms 2007: I don’t know why you text LOL when you aren’t literally laughing
Moms 2017: Cry face emoji, clapping hands, three monkeys
You want me to eat this Caesar salad with this fork and knife you provided? You know what they did to Caesar with a knife?
Me: *pretending to smoke a hotdog like a cigar
Passport photographer: No
How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.