@prufrockluvsong

[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag

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@LoveNLunchmeat

A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.

@garrydavenport

The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.

@meghaffer

If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.

@Shen_the_Bird

her: [during roleplay] come get me

me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me

@AcrimoniousClwn

Heard rumors that a coworker slept her way to a promotion. Damn, if the bosses only saw how much I sleep at my desk I’d own this place.

@Steelers1972

Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.

@GingaSnapppa

I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.

@BeeeejEsq

Cat: *purr*

Me: Good morning!

Cat: *headbutts me* *purr*

Me: Aren’t you the sweetest thing!

Cat: *kneads me* *purr*

Me: Yes, I love you too!

Cat: *plots my gruesome death* *purr*

@jonnysun

*dinosaur at zoo roars at me*
“ROAR”
whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this
“GROWL”
hmm
“SHOUT”
hmmm
“YELL”
hmmmmm
“HOLLER”
oh its a thesaurus