[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
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Annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there’s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time
I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
Sophomore year I called my mom excited to tell her I had declared my majors. Me: “I’m gonna double major in drama & sociology” Her: “Drama & sociology?! Whatcha gonna do with THAT ACT LIKE YOU’RE HELPING PEOPLE” 🤷🏾♀️😂
I’m no well-mannered seagull but I think they chose the wrong picture
For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
Coworker: Is this anyone’s old food smelling up the fridge?
Me, knowing it’s mine: Ha ha no clue.
Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [leaning in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
[Zoo]
Visitor: “I like that cage labelled ‘World’s most dangerous animal’ and it’s just got a mirror in it”
Zookeeper: “Yup, thought-provoking stuff. *Whispering into phone* The leopard’s escaped again”
Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.
I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money
God: It’s time to speed up the apocalypse.
Angel: But people are basically good. Give them a chance!
God: The Baby Shark people just released a “Wash Your Hands” song.
Angel: Never mind, go ahead.
Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.
Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision
Aren’t we all Mavis *sigh*
That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.
I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.
I got soap in my shower beer again.
I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…
Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.
Well, that should do it
HER: You ran over my cat
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok
A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I’m sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26
Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.
Secret to a successful marriage is to compliment your spouse before discussing tasks and chores
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me:
The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade