Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Throwing things off the table before my cat gets the chance to is one of my favourite past times. Eye contact is imperative for full satisfaction

Awakening a volcano by throwing a rock

Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?

god: welcome to heaven, bob. today we reunite you with your soulmate

bob: karen!

god: karen? your soulmate is a japanese farmer named oshi

My husband has been making pancakes and eggs for breakfast every morning and my kids are becoming accustomed to a standard I am not prepared to maintain after he returns to work.

Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats

“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God

[Sick salmon goes to oracle.]
O seer, will I be cured?
*oracle looks into the future, sees giant package of lox*
-Yes you will, my son.

Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.

just gave your address to some spiders

Today seems like as good a day as any to start drinking some of these 99 beers on the wall

[1st date]

*ok don’t let her know you’re a manatee*

Hi 2 movie tickets OH YOU HAVE MANATEE PRICING?!?

“Sir, do you mean matinee?”

Dammit

I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.

Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”

“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”

-Oysters

Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.

When your mom is a nurse and your sister is a nurse, road trips begin with a minimum one hour of trading disgusting medical horror stories. And then we stop for breakfast.

That snake Lucifer sent into the Garden of Eden was actually meant to be a cat but it didn’t feel like taking orders.

Facebook-

You: Going to a concert tonight!

Friend: Sweet, what concert?

Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO

“Damn! If I wasn’t already married, I’d propose to myself,”
I humbly say as I taste test this homemade mac and cheese.

BRONTOSAURUS: Why don’t you wear that sweater I bought you?
T. REX: I don’t think I could pull it off

As a copywriter, I’ve noticed more people are using ‘whilst’ instead of ‘while.’ WHILE you can use either, WHILST is formal so it always sounds pompous and full of shit. Would you say WHOMST? No you WOULDST NOT.

im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together

I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.

The most unrealistic thing about sitcoms is couples comfortably sharing a full size mattress

My work’s 401K has four levels of risk/return. I signed up for the riskiest level that invests only in timeshares and lottery tickets. You have to spend money to make money.

Age 20: Gonna make something of my life

Age 30: Not really going as planned

Age 40: THEY KNOW ME BY NAME AT THE LIQUOR STORE