Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client

I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.

Her: I’ve heard a lot about your lovemaking.

Me: Oh, your embarrassing me, really Its nothing.

Her: That’s what I heard…

I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion

townsfolk: you should come to the festival

me: is this a normal “corny” festival or a “human sacrifice to ensure good harvest” festival?

townsfolk: which will entice you to be there?

me: oh i’m going regardless

Caveman Summer

Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
D: GO!
8: Fine!
*he goes
Mom: Why don’t you go with him?
D: Dinosaurs

Ugh, I drank all this tea to help me sleep, but I just keep going to the bathroom… *checks label* oh no! Celestial Seasonings Peepeetime Tea?!

My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.

Got in the car and my 6yo greeted me with “well, well, well, look who’s here.”

This is the only greeting I’ll be accepting from now on.

*CVS lady hands me receipt
Me: we talk about these on twitter
CVS lady: why
Me: they’re long
CVS lady: is that what twitter’s for
Me: mostly

BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.

Live Photos capturing Matilda the sheep being an absolute attention hog 😂😂

There’s a serial killer in our house! Normal people: “CALL THE POLICE, LETS GET OUT OF HERE!” – In movies: “Lets go find him” -___-

Always do the right thing
everyone has a camera.

Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.

🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶

Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.

My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.

Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!

[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”

It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel

I’m not saying I order from Amazon a lot, but I just received a wedding invitation from my delivery guy…

People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.

I’m never marrying anyone else that I find on craigslist.

Daughter: dada is Aquaman a mermaid?

Me: no honey.

Daughter: he can swim and breathe and talk underwater like a mermaid.

Me: yes but he has legs.

Daughter: Ariel has legs too.

[later]

Wife: I rushed home what’s the emergency?

Me: I think Aquaman might be a mermaid.

Me: I’m depressed

Doctor: I’m going to inject you with dog DNA

Me: How will that help?!

Doctor: Who’s a good boy?

Me: I AM

*Puts on Kool-aid guy pitcher costume outside of a bank*
Friend: This isn’t going to work.
Me: Bank vault here I come. *Charges at wall*

Parents today:
Text me when you get there, text me the names of the kids who are there, text me when you’re coming home.

Parents in the 80s:
Bye.

“Want me to tell you how to murder someone and get away with it?”

—my 9yo, making conversation at lunch. At a restaurant. In public.

Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.

Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”