[checking IMDb while watching Planet of The Apes] …oh, the zoo! That’s what I know him from!
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don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit
*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”
WebMD is too stodgy and clinical, give me EtsyMD where you get your diagnosis embroidered on one of them wooden rings 𝓨𝓸𝓾’𝓻𝓮 𝓭𝔂𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓹𝓻𝓸𝓫𝓪𝓫𝓵𝔂
I’m starting a petition to get abacuses mounted on to all Zimmer Frames. I hope I can count on your support.
her: i hate when people overanalyze everything in movies
me: [slowly concealing my notebook filled with inconsistencies and plot holes in the toy story saga] lol yeah me too
Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.
Iron Man: I’ll hack into their security.
Hulk: HULK SMASH DOOR!
Thor: I’ll silence their guards.
Captain America: What’s a microwave?
hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla
You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.
*holds seashell to ear*
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
Sometimes I think about when I told my 10 year old he could be like me when he grew up because I was trying to be cool and he said YAY, I GET TO LAY ON A HEATING PAD ALL DAY
The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.
Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”
[being murdered]
Me: omg barry? from high school?
Barry: no way {stab} dave?
Me: this isn’t cuz of some high school thing is it?
Barry: oh nonono {stabstabstab} you were great. {stab} this is just a thing i do now
Me: k good {still being stabbed} you had me worried for a sec
Told my kid I was going to check her room because she told me she cleaned it, and she negotiated a five minute head start in case she “missed something.”
“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos
My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation
dear parents,
just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
why he move like a hotel transylvania character
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.
Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying) Nobody likes me
ME: I like you
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying harder) Nobody good likes me
If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.
If you message me back on a dating app, I assume you are just being polite. If we go out for coffee together, again, I assume you are just being polite. If we end up dating, you’re probably just a very polite person. If we get married, it was probably just the polite thing to do.