[Checking in at Comic Con]
Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay?
Me: Seven months
A: *Hands me a badge marked “Casual”*
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i got my shoelace completely entangled around the pedal of a stationary bike at the gym and had to ask a stranger to untangle me, which took a good solid 7 minutes. but sure put me down as your emergency contact
me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there
me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts
Never be a pizza!
Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.
Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
Maths meets science
My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
Always remember the first move in every fight…punch to the balls.
“911 what’s ur emergency”
I… stabbed someone
“What? Why?”
He walked up to me and was all like HAPPY MONDAY
“Is he dead?”
No
“Stab him again”
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
Tuesdays are the worst so here is the funniest video of all time
Why is it so humiliating when you’re browsing clothes in store and an item falls off the hanger, and when you try and put it back on it’s like you’ve never used a clothes hanger before in your life
Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Or, Laurie?
Hefner or Grant?– Horton Hears a Hugh
I haven’t been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.
[bum holds his hand out]
“can I have some change?”
change comes from within
“thank u. now I’m not poor anymore”
Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.
“daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa”
*checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son
“they arent wearing seatbelts” – my mom watching a car chase scene in any action movie
“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.
[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
“HOBBIES”
The most annoying part of making spaghetti is when the noodles are done, so you pour them into the strainer but the holes are too big so you end up with spaghetti all over the inside of your car.
Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage
Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.
Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.
Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
mcdonald’s will “anything else” you to death can you wait a mcminute
Me: *brings a cheesecake to a pie fight*
My enemies: sweet jesus she’s gone completely insane RUN!!
“Santa isn’t real” ok, I literally just saw him at the mall