Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.

Haha there’s a squirrel on the fence and he’s walking back and forth like he can’t make up his mind because he’s on the fence.

Him: Sarah is dead.

Me: Oh Thank God! She wasn’t answering my emails and I thought she was mad at me…

it’s been 10 years since the rumour came out…

I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.

[outside bar]
angry guy: [rips off shirt, puts up fists]
me: [carefully removes jacket & shirt, spends a full minute folding them neatly using the KonMari method]
angry guy: omg this is literally why I wanna hit u

NURSE: *bursts in* Dr., come quick!
DR DOG: CHRIST, JULIE! Don’t you knock?!?
*hides magazine of sexy Labradoodles being sprayed with hoses*

There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.

*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.

*goes back in time

*tells 11 year old me to say “I will be taking no questions at this time” when teacher asks me something I don’t know

I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw

My work day –
8:00-11:30 – wonder what I’ll eat for lunch today
11:30 – 12:00 – eat lunch
12:00 – 4:30 – Damn lunch was good.

I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.

Having a teenager is fun because the voice in my head that questions everything I do now has a friend

Me: Alexa, why can’t I ever get a guy to stick around?

Alexa: *shows a montage of me staring at my phone since 2010.

Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.

If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.

Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.

Me: I never remember whether I’m supposed to play dead or make myself as big as possible

My Boss: when you get up, go ahead and close my door and have a seat

The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.

If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.

Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done
Me: *looking in mirror* But I still look the same…
Genie: Just wait until you see everybody else.

Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.

Perfect

A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you

That shit is annoying.

I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.

Me: This show sucks
Boss: Again..this is a zoom meeting

the lamestream media wants you to call them “pigeons”. but CRIME BIRDS are terrorizing our cities: stealing wifi, causing sunspots, downloading cars

*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*

When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow