Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Maybe I’m delusional, but I swear this train is following me.

My wife just shouted “I’M NOT A MIND READER” during an argument that began with her saying “I know what you’re thinking”

Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…

Can’t wait to win the kids Easter egg hunt for the 32nd year in a row!

I’ve started leaving chocolates on my daughter’s pillow so she’ll feel like she’s living in a hotel and eventually check out

1st day of hunting season:
*puts on camo*
*climbs up in tree stand*
*waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*

A bottle washes on shore with a note inside it: “Go swimming, the water’s great! And there’s no sharks! P.S. this wasn’t written by a shark”

I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.

I wrote myself a note to be more organized. It’s here somewhere.

I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.

In my thesis, I will demonstrate how it is possible to herd large, feverish deer into narrow passageways by playing the music of The Eagles. Welcome to the Hot Elk Alley Formula.

Whoever you are, you can’t deny that
Harry Potter & the Fallopian Tubes
sounds like a legitimate title.
Don’t act like you wouldn’t read it.

I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals

Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.

My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure…

..So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die

Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.

My bf said he was sick of my jokes about ghosts having sex with owls.

Well, boo-fucking-hoo.

A Lunch Poem:

Some people buy theirs in local food shops,
While others eat donuts (especially cops).

Some jerks heat fish that they bring in a bag,
And stink up the kitchen, making me gag.

Me? I’ll check the fridge on a hunch
That Glenn from Accounting brought a good lunch.

“no one remembers the weird thing you said at that party” actually the weird thing you said has become a sacred inside joke that bonded several people at that party together forever

I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.

I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.

That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.

We don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you a little bit and decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “she’s being weird again”

My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.

Wish me lick.

I was talking to my husband about what it would be like to have a third kid when my 4yo wrapped his little hand in mine and said, “mom, I would be pissed.”

Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.

Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.

After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!

no exceptions

I hereby declare this fall as The Fall of B!

Oh wait.