[checking into a hotel]
Front desk employee: Thank you ma’am, we’ll make up a room for you right away
Me: aren’t… aren’t there real rooms here
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[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. righty-tighty, lefty-loosey
her: what?
me: what?
People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.
*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?
sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve
the FOLD cycle on my clothes dryer isn’t working
What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.
Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes
If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.
Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do
Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again
when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy
Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro
I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.
She’s bardcore.
What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
Me: I was watching Sixth Sense when my house got burgled
Cop: Ok tell me everything that happened
[10 mins later]
Cop: holy shit he was dead the whole time?!
As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.
At the gas station just now a nickel fell out of my pocket and hit my shoe before landing perfectly on its side. Turned around to show the guy standing behind me in line and he was blown away and said “that’s how you know none of this is real”
This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.
Must be doing something wrong.
s
oc
i
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Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?
I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it
Today’s tshirt
How it started: No kicking balls in the house!
How it’s going: Just do it in the hallway where you can’t break anything.
Maybe we should all just live our lives in a way that won’t piss off Kendrick Lamar
Me checking my bank balance online.
9yo: (mouths off to me)
Me:
Hubs: You’re not doing anything? At least take his iPad away.
Me: Patience
(1 hour later)
9yo: Mom! My iPad’s dead, where’s the charger?
Me: What charger?
Hubs: Nice one.
awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february