Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:

-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent

A Haiku For My Salad:

I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad

If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time and wait for the first person who ever said it to say “it is what it is” so I could smack them in the back of the head with a shovel.

This is so me 😂😂

I’m sorry WHAT sleepwear?

So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay

I’m getting totally fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £9 an hour parking – always whining.

Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.

I know this now 😂

Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band

H: I think we should see other people.

Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.

Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?

The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 🐕

Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.

Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.

For cardio, I attempt to swallow vitamins, while holding a cup of piping hot coffee.

Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”

Boss: “It’s 9am”

Writers should get a direct line to the FBI so we can call them and give them a heads up when we’re googling ways to poison someone but just for a story.

I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?

My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can’t tell how much she’s drank. I’m glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.

I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.

-me, forgetting your birthday

I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”

Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,

“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”

I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?

I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak

No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.

[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass

[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer

If it turns cold one more time I’m gonna put the Christmas tree back up

WIFE: I’m starting to think my husband has lied about his profession.

WIFES FRIEND: Why?

[I walk through the door and hang up my McDonald’s visor]

ME: Hey honey I’m back from the lawyer factory.

who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards

I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.