[Checking into hotel]
WIFE: Please tell me you didn’t use your stupid alter ego name when book-
ME: Reservation for Troy Awesomesauce please
You Might Also Like
Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them
I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.
I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.
I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you.
ME: Is it because in December I dress my pet pig in red and call it Hamta Claus?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation
LOL at people with only 99 problems
What’s that like?
We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now
Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?
My ex girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.
Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.
Elevators frighten me. I take steps to avoid them.
I just realized that FFS stood for something and wasn’t just a sound people typed out when they were frustrated.
I’ll see myself out.
My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.
I hate the number 7 like “ohh look at me I’m all prime and lucky ohhhh”. You’re just a wonky 1, grow up already
My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.
Boss: hey greg meet your new coworker please don’t accuse him of being a dinosaur
me: I won’t I’m not an idiot
Coworker: hey nice to meet u I’m Ptery
me: *eyes narrow*
Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.
Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it
Friend: You look different…younger…really great
Me: I had a little something done
Friend: *whispers* Face lift?
Me: Colonoscopy
For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.
Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a mirror, asking to be possessed by a poltergeist that loves to clean and fold laundry.
“I’ve got chills. They’re multiplying.” “Sir, you’re going into shock. Please stop narrating–” “And I’m losing control.” “Sir!”
[Police sketch artist job interview]
“How am I not qualified?”
Your resume is a stick figure and a poorly drawn igloo
“It’s a cat actually”
Thursday Thought.
Bae: Come over
Me: Do you have food??
Bae: My parents aren’t home
Me: Are they coming back with food??
*in a desperate attempt to impress my daughter with magic, i pull a fully cooked turkey with all the trimmings from behind her ear*
{nervously} is this your card?