[Checking into hotel]
WIFE: Please tell me you didn’t use your stupid alter ego name when book-
ME: Reservation for Troy Awesomesauce please
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Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
Fair play to the crow who visits the roof outside my window first thing each morning, and whose cawing has the exact pitch and rhythm as the reversing alert on the recycling lorry, sending me into a blind panic that I’ve forgotten to put the bins out.
me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?
him: no but I did see him play checkers
No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.
[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what
Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.
I went to law school for this.
Him: “So what’s your bedroom number?”
Me: “7”
Him: “oh really?”
Me: “yeah, how many pillows do YOU sleep with?”
There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.
Being made to smoke a whole packet of cigarettes is wasted as a punishment for getting caught smoking. I should be made to smoke cigarettes whenever I do anything wrong.
Schrodinger’s Douchebag: (noun) A guy who says offensive things and decides whether he’s kidding or not based on people’s reactions
7YR OLD: daddy, I don’t want to go to bed, it’s still light outside
ME: [explains daylight savings time]
7: that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.
I wanted to get this and my friend said “what, like sarcastically?” and wow burn
when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?
me logging onto twitter
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
I’m always hungry
“That’s not what I-”
*takes out a cake* Also, I don’t like to share
“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed
Bring your kids to work day was a huge success. One of the children fixed our server.
[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
Btw the funniest thing you can do is openly not recognize a biglaw name. In law school someone told me she’d been an assistant for Mayer Brown and I asked what city they were the mayor of. Her face was incredible.
[first date]
her: do u like dogs or cats better
me: [reading menu] what page are u on
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.
Diet day 1: kale, kale everywhere
Diet day 1.5: snorting powdered sugar off of a Dairy Queen flyer while flipping pancakes
[Starts to open package of cheese]
[Hears kids running towards kitchen]
[Escapes with cheese to car]
[Drives 5 hours to hotel]
[Checks into room]
[Starts to open package of cheese]
My dog: HEEEY CHEEESE!!!
that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
ME: Here, take my seat
EXECUTIONER: No thank you
When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.