[Checking into hotel]
WIFE: Please tell me you didn’t use your stupid alter ego name when book-
ME: Reservation for Troy Awesomesauce please
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Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.
“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break
Make it RAAAAIN!!
ICE CREAM GUY: Ma’am, everyone gets the same amount of rainbow sprinkles.
[Fancy Restaurant]
Host: May I take the lady’s coat?
Me: Please.
Host: And yours sir?
Me: *tightens belt around my karate GI* You can try.
Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
Plot twist:
“Luke, I am your Mother.” – Yoda
Bout to have the best sleep of my life
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Sure I feel bad for Marty McFly having to take his mum to the dance so his parents meet, but poor John Connor had to send his mate back in time to bang his mum or he wouldn’t have been born
oh you like road-trips? name every road then
Today I gave my son some chips from England. He put one in his mouth, made a face, and asked what flavour it was. ‘Roast Beef’ I replied. He promptly spat it out and asked “why would they do that?” Buddy, we’ve been asking Britain that question for 500 years.
‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’
That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.
Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law
[first date]
date: i’m an optimist
me: wow i’ve never met a transformer before
he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.
With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
host: welcome to Are You Faster Than a 5th Grader.
me: faster?
Braden: [has a chainsaw]
[shark tank]
ME: my idea is a length of leather with the entire bible text etched onto it—I call it the saving strap
HOST: have you considered the bible belt
ME: yes we predict good sales there
what i say: do not eat food outside of the kitchen
what my kids hear: eat food ALL over the house. i don’t even care if you use plates or bowls. i love stepping and sitting in crumbs and shit.
if u ever feel insecure just remember that there is at least one couple where your name is a sensitive topic. kinda sexy of you to be that important
*sends nudes*
Him: omg you showered!
Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.
Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.
Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
you know what’s a waste of time? when you call a medical office and their message starts with, “if this is a life threatening emergency, please hang up and call 911” … if you didn’t learn that by the age of 4 then who are we to interrupt natural selection?
Wanted:
Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.
No weirdos.
having children is great because just when you’re on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon
Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’