checking my bank account to see how ethical i want to be with my egg purchase
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Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.
Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.
If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.
[Review]
Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*
Me: A car!
B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*
M: Well, a card’s still cool.
B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.
M: Ok, I’m a medium.
B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.
Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.
airport customs officer: *slowly unzipping my bag* anything to declare?
me: how many spiders am I allowed?
airport customs officer: *slowly doing my bag up again*
ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME:
Doritos CEO: we are getting a lot of backlash over this crunchless chip for women. We need ideas
Thrice divorced Bob: When they finish the bag it can be pulled over their heads in shame
CEO: I like it
told my dad about a rough patch i went through mentally and he asked in a concerned voice whether i’d still managed to take my car in for routine maintenance
I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.
My laptop: *memory is low*
Me, in my 40’s: “you and me both, buddy”
Who called them cat allergies and not meowlergies
Felony is a beautiful name for a girl
A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.
Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.
all the video games my bf plays are like “would you like to Search Beehive?” and he’ll say yes and it’ll be like “you have found: A Bee”
What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?
Expensive Petroleum.
Thank you corporation very cool
I’ve started using a firming serum and have definitely noticed a difference. I’m making firm decisions now.
ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness
STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no
Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker
Attention people with multiple people in your avi’s:
Draw an arrow pointing to yourself, OR replace it with a cat.
Thanks,
The rest of us
Doctor answering his door: sorry kid I ordered 100 but they sent me a 1000
Trick or treating teen: ewwww a stool sample kit!?!
People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.
The “police officer” has been a failed experiment, we must return to “lawman” and it’s a guy who’s also the town dentist and saloon proprietor
My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with “LOL” is “a representation of everything that is wrong with me.”
Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you
Beards are a privilege, not a right
Me: WHY AREN’T YOU CLEANING YOUR ROOM LIKE I ASKED?
My 6year old: You only asked once
*takes cat from pocket of doctor’s coat & holds it over patient*
He has finished his scan. He says he doesn’t like you & you have cancer.