checking my bank account to see how ethical i want to be with my egg purchase
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kids today are missing out of the pre-streaming era, where your childhood was at least partially defined by some semi-obscure movie your family just happened to own on tape and you watched several dozen times
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
[family feud]
Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence…
Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN
Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid
Hey, my eyes are up here.
Nope. Higher.
– snails, probably
3 yr old: “At my next birthday will I go back to normal? Will I get littler again?”
Me: “no honey. Each birthday you get bigger. You’ll continue to grow. Isn’t that cool?!”
3 yr old: starts sobbing.
My wife:“That’s not the shirt I sent her to daycare in.”
Me:“But it’s the right kid?”
Wife: “Yes.”
Me: “Awesome. I’m going to play Xbox”
Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.
Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]
Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing
Judge [teary]: Just wonderful
No, YOUR illiterate.
The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.
ME: *showing my new girlfriend my golf clubs* I’ve been playing for years.
HER: Cool. Did you ever get a hole-in-one?
ME: No, they’re made of metal so they’re pretty strong.
HER: I need to see other people
Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.
My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night
one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]
My husband accused me of not being affectionate, so I kissed the FedEx guy.
Breaking news:
friend: how’s the new job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
WIFE: what’s going on?
ME: [locking the door] I haven’t had an apple in 3 days
DOCTOR: [outside, stethoscope in hand] I can hear u breathing
[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.
I know I shouldn’t make hot beverages from fish parts, but it’s just my gill tea pleasure.
…No, YOU shut up.
Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.
I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream
High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway
Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄
Me: I spend a lot of time awake at night, asking myself things like “Why don’t dogs have belly buttons?”
Priest: Ok valid question but not a confession, per se
Happy Passive Aggressive day! Don’t worry, I didn’t want you to get me anything anyway. No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.