checking my bank account to see how ethical i want to be with my egg purchase
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Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?
WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap
A roof is a house hat.
why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
Another day another dollar.
~ World’s slowest counterfeiter
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.
*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*
Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?
I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
i ask my toddler what’s in the box she’s holding. “chaos!” she replies. “chaos! chaos!” i know she’s trying to say “crayons,” but it’s not like she’s wrong.
I don’t really understand the rules for Pommel Horse, so either this is all very impressive or I am witnessing some of the worst attempts to sit down I’ve ever seen.
Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
PIG: “I’m paranoid everyone’s trying to turn me into bacon”
PSYCHIATRIST: “I’ll cure you”
PIG: “Oh God, not you too”
[Casually trying to figure out if the hot dude at my gym is old enough for me to hit on] what war do you most associate with your time in elementary school
Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?
Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?
“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”
[playing the game of life]
instructions: the player with the most money wins
me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
I think people would be more into libraries if you didn’t get your card revoked every time you climb to the top of the bookshelf to reach for an ancient spellbook thereby knocking one shelf into another and so forth in a domino-like fashion until the entire library is wreckage
My 6yo has invented this new thing called “dessert for lunch” and it basically means he can have ice cream after lunch because he’s definitely gonna eat all his dinner. Definitely.
My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…
I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!
All 3 accessible parking places in the school parking lot were taken by parents without accessible placards. So I parked sideways behind them and blocked all three in with my placard displayed. 😘
despite popular opinion dating apps are NOT for dating. they are for finding people to watch your instagram story for years and years
dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse
The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.