Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[talking to the 911 operator after crashing my hearse into a lake] yea there’s another guy in here lol he’s already dead tho hahaha

Me: I’m hard at work

HR: this is why you’re fired

is there anything more psychotic than the self-imposed deadline. why am i bullying myself then in turn standing up to my bully (who is me) by not doing the work i know i want to get done but i refuse to be bullied (by me) so i will purposefully miss the deadline (that is fake)

Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I’m 45 min. off course but I’m not gonna let him win.

Just rescued a fly from my wine and put him on a napkin to dry and he dried off and flew straight back into the glass

When the the bladder control commercial with the jingle “Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now” came on my 5 year old asked “mommy, do these ladies really have to go to the bathroom or do they just think they do” thus becoming the youngest menopause expert in the world.

Used the words “manic pixie dream boy” in therapy years ago and my therapist had no idea what it referred to and to this day continuously uses a different string of words for it “dream elf pretty boy” “party boy dream something”

This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.

one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar

6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken

😳

[Cave, present day]

Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible!

[Cave, thousands of years ago]

Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!

count dracula: at last i’ve got you wolf man

wolf man: at last i’ve got you dracula

*dracula turns into a bat*

*wolf man turns into a wolf*

godzilla: weird flex, but ok

*eats them both*

I’m not “passive aggressive”… would a passive aggressive person buy you these lovely wind chimes?

[2005, youtube’s first pitch meeting]
ok so basicaly its like if america’s funniest home videos was on 24 hrs a day on evrey computer–
SOLD

Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.

A homeless man asked me for money. I had 10 dollars in my pocket and didn’t want it wasted on alcohol so I gave it to him.

As an incredibly powerful, mostly evil, very attractive supernatural being, I have one weakness:
A female protagonist who has just turned sixteen and thinks there’s nothing special about her at all.

Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]

There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar

At cardio class tonight, a 22yo size 0 told me “you run fast for someone your age” so now I have a body to bury if anyone wants to help me.

I wasn’t feeling well so I googled my symptoms. I either have allergies or I died two days ago.

(Someone finally shuts off a car alarm)
Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT

[end of 1st round of my UFC debut]
Corner man: how you feeling?
Me [out of breath]: horny
Corner man: yeah you gotta stop trying to kiss him

If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the majority of your relationship, move on.

In related news, I just broke up with my mom

I just saw a guy put a hamburger between 2 pancakes so I proposed on the spot and he just said “no” so he’s obviously the smartest man alive

that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that

I changed the pictures in the bathroom a year ago, my toddler just realized, your understanding is appreciated as she goes through this hard time

Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date

Me: ok brag that you get to the third date

I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.