Checking my emails on Cyber Monday feels like walking through a mall where everything’s yelling at me.
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I have the same toxic argument every Thanksgiving where I insist that Sopranos is the American Evangelion and my late 60s/early 70s uncle keep reiterating they haven’t watched any animes and don’t really have strong opinions on TV :/
John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit
Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.
me: I think I left my phone charger on the plane
flight attendant: are you getting into the life boat or not
Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
*waves arm in the direction of the lake*
One day, all this will be yours.
12: Are you threatening to drown me?
Me: Just make your bed, k?
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.
Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”
Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.
Two words: No pants.
Been doing a lot of soul searching as of late and still have not found that darn thing.
Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says “Don’t Bother Me,” so I asked him where he got it & how much it cost & whether or not it works.
Genie: last wish
Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat
Genie: ooh, good one
*brings donuts to work*
Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.
Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.
6-year-old: Why do I have to share a room?
Me: It could be worse. Harry Potter slept in a cupboard under the stairs.
6: Yeah. By himself.
friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?
me: whichever one makes this conversation end
The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash
My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.
I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job
Me: Whats the salary?
10k now and will increase to 25k later
Me: Ok then, I will come later
The neighbor has a sign next to the sidewalk under his tree reading, “Caution, this tree has a history of dropping branches.” A “history”? Does this tree have a rap sheet? Is he a bad influence on my trees?
I always forget my reusable shopping bag when I go to buy some food. So I purposely put it in my bag this morning and forgot to go and buy the food
The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…
A water balloon fight but the balloons are filled with meaty chili
Recipe idea: Add ADDITIONAL cheese to your frozen pizza to make pizza with EXTRA CHEESE! (Ladies, you may pin this on your pinny web thing.)
My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are