Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.

My dog used to get into her kennel when I put my coat on and I’m not saying that her standards have dropped since the start of this pandemic but she just went into her kennel when I put on pants

Fortune Cookie:

You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.

Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.

Age 37: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.

My teen said she’s too old to have a dance party with us but then asked for money, and now guess who isn’t too old to have a dance party with us?

I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.

inside you are two wolves

Spoiler alert: The people who can’t believe your kid is in Kindergarten already won’t be able to believe they’re in any grade, any year ever

“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”

Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax

Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is

“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma

Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.

I am not lying, autocorrect just tried to change “first” to Furstenberg like wtf when I have ever texted Furstenberg?!?

How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie

The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.

If your teens are arguing about the best way to cut sandwiches while holding super sharp knives, it’s a good time to remind them that you can only afford college for one anyway.

How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.

Why isn’t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.

[at a sperm bank]

“Can I browse the clearance bin?”

Been watching a lot of Netflix documentaries & I think a really good way for me to make a lot of money is to find a rich woman & tell her I’m a vampire or some other crazy shit & she’ll just give me loads of cash.

Parenting’s First Law of Physics:

An object in motion ends up resting on the floor until there’s an argument over who should pick it up.

Husband: *Grabs a pillow off the couch* Did we get new pillows?

Me: Uh huh, last year, when we got the new couches

Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine

I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”

I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.

Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.

Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday

Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*

I apparently said “keratin” instead of “ketamine” when discussing treatment options with my psychiatrist, so the bad news is that I remain a terminal depressive, but wow, my frizz is really well controlled.