[checking my phone]
“i hope this email finds you being mauled” ha ha what in the heck
[suddenly a bear is in my kitchen]
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Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
Friend: Sorry I’ve been so busy! I got my master’s in genetic engineering, singlehandedly solved a murder, invented time travel, discovered a new Pi number, climbed Mt. Everest and taught myself to read Sumerian. What have you been up to???
Me: I’ve been super into cereal lately
[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this
If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
[Girl takes off her clothes]
“You have had sex before right?”
[Me, in a suit of armor & holding a cauliflower]
…
“no actually”
my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.
Martin Shkreli is in jail.
Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.
ME: argh the salty air be getting to me head just hand over the treasure ya scurvy knave
LONG JOHN SILVERS CASHIER: *rolls eyes* *gives me my change*
Them: you should buy crypto
Me:
Them: ok sell it now
Me:
Them: nvm buy it back
Me:
Them: OMG SELL IT
Me: [pulls AirPods out] what
I hate that feeling when your iPod earbud accidentally gets ripped out of your ear and you want to murder someone with a hammer.
4: Water!
Me: Ask me nicely
4: Actually, I’ll get it myself
Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”
My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now
Be the chaos you wish to see in the world:
[Job interview]
Me: I can always anticipate what people are going to say next
Interviewer: And what would you say is your greatest streng- oh holy shit
I’ll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.
I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold
His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.
dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*
I don’t know how to explain it, but sometimes cheese just falls into my cart at the grocery store.
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.
In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.
“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory
I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.
Dentist: You grind at night.
Me: Oh, game recognize game.
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.