*checking out*
Card Reader: Would you like to donate $1.00 to Charity X? □ Y □ N
*enters N*
CR: Are u a selfish prick? □ Y □ N
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[steps on scale]
Me *shrugs*: New year, more me
It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.
Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…
I never knew so many people named their kids after numbers until Twitter
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
This kid is a star!
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down
Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?
You totally had me at “I want you” and I was so excited, I completely missed the ” To leave me alone” part….Sorry my bad.
“I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you and – oh sorry, wrong number.” – Liam Neeson in Mistaken
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
The dogs are drawn by their screams.
My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Me: Naw.
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.
I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!
Fall, when my kids clean the yard by bringing ALL the leaves into the house
Nah man don’t buy AirPods. You need the Sony WH-1000XM5-WHCH720N-WF1000XM5-CH520
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do u have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“Uh no.”
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!
Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.
If I got a nickel when someone called me an old soul,
I could buy a hot dog, french fries, a large coke, fill up my gas tank and still have enough left over to get a ticket to the baseball game
I’m being forced to attend a family dinner tonight at a priest’s house…
There’s no such thing as a surprise exorcism, right?
“DADDY THERE’S A MONSTER UNDER MY BED”
[me opening bedroom window]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?
Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.
You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids
Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
[first day as a cashier]
customer: can I use this coupon for toilet paper
me: why don’t you use the rolls that you’re buying