Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No matter how prepared you think you are,

a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.

Oh, you’re a politician? Name all the politics

Premarital counseling should be having the couple put together IKEA furniture with limited Wi-Fi connection. #weddingparty #romance

“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.

Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.

Patron: I’ll have the french toast

Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie

A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.

wife: oh cool, the zoo reopened

me: [sitting on couch shirtless in cutoff sweats while drinking beer] why would I want to go look at a some bored dumb animal who sits around all day doing nothing

[Interviewing to be a mortician]
Do you have any experience handling dead bodies?

-Well I get my sleepy kids ready for school every day.

First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]

Her: do you come here often?

Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*

🤝

My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.

My boyfriend thinks I ask “dumb questions” like “would you love me if I were a worm” and then turns around and asks me shit like do I think it would be funny if he started doing Patrick Bateman’s care routine as a bit

Me too

I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.

Literally! 🤣 #dogs

My neck my back my allergy attack

When 8 wakes up in the middle of the night and comes looking for me, he’ll curl up next to me and sweetly say “mom, I found you!”. It’s difficult to be upset with him for waking me up.

Difficult, not impossible

Underage me: pretends to be sick so I can sneak out window to go to a party

Older me: pretends to be sick so I don’t have to go to a party

but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??

asking for a friend

“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.

in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star

Danke for calling Germany.
To order beer, press 1.
To order weapons, press 2.
To order philosophy, press 1 until it resembles a 2.

Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.

My husband got me a really sweet card for our anniversary. I read the whole way through, and the very last part says “happy birthday” 😂

He was so close.

Folks ask me if I ever get tired of putting smiles on the faces of kids and their families in my job as a theme park mascot and my answer is always the same: God yes, are there any openings where you work?

A childless co-worker just told me that he hasn’t been sick in 5 years

Meanwhile, I’m a dad of 3 living in a bubbling cauldron of plague-infested boogers, pee, and sick-vapor.

Sooooo……I don’t want to kill the guy

But should I sneeze on him just for fun?

“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”

A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.