*checking out*
Card Reader: Would you like to donate $1.00 to Charity X? □ Y □ N
*enters N*
CR: Are u a selfish prick? □ Y □ N
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1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.
2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.
I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
Gambling is all about getting something for nothing and spending thousands of dollars trying to do it.
Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.
If I were a weatherman, I’d hate it when newsreaders did a story about a flood or a heatwave. I’d come on and do a forecast about crime or the economy just to give them a taste of their own medicine.
Just tried to put my seatbelt on.
AT MY DESK.
I’m pretty.
back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today
“Dad, you were at 63%, so I unplugged your phone to plug mine in”
*Drives ex-son to homeless shelter
If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.
Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening
My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.
The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.
No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.
Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic
date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes
Made a mistake by asking the toddler how many cookies she wants… now she’s pissed that I don’t have “ten hundred cookies.”
4yo does not want to go to school anymore, she wants to be homeschooled
I told her I will homeschool her this week and then she will go back to school next week. She’s delighted!
(There is no school this week)
Doctor: Are you allergic to anything?
Me: Cats
Doctor: Anything else?
Me: Grease
Doctor: is that everything?
Me: Most musicals to be honest.
took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time
I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.
horse prosecutor: did you do it?
horse defendant: neigh
horse prosecutor: here, have some water and think again
horse defense attorney: objection! leading the witness!
“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.
Me: Dare me to find out how many Reese’s peanut butter cups can fit in my mouth?!
Date: What’s happening right n-
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
When your best mate counts as a desk too
the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal
Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.
“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.