Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.

Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips

I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.

My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes

SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)

Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.

Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.

Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’

Hooters is shutting down a lot of locations, which is very shocking, but even more surprising that an owl themed restaurant lasted that long.

me, lightly touching miette with the side of my foot: miette move out of the way please so I don’t trip on you

miette, her eyes enormous: you KICK miette? you kick her body like the football? oh! oh! jail for mother! jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!

me: will I ever have sex again?

doctor: not with that haircut

People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.

I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.

Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.

Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?

Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection

Friend: wyd

Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?

I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.

Don’t listen to your heart. It’s just a pump receiving commands from the brain. Don’t listen to your brain, either. If it had any good ideas, you wouldn’t be here now.

me: whoa you think I’m buff?

them: no, we said buffoon

Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?

Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management

I’m sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.

Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor

Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman

If you love Batman, let him go, because Batman Returns.

Girls don’t want boys. Girls want the 12-foot skeleton from Home Depot.

BANK EMPLOYEE: what if we stayed open later than 5:30?

CEO: that’s the dumbest shit i’ve ever heard

OTHER BANK EMPLOYEE: how bout a sign outside that displays the temperature 24/7

CEO: first of all, promoted

But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?

– Food Trucks

me: why aren’t you eating your breakfast?

3: it smells hot

Obi-wan: These aren’t the droids

Stormtrooper: They look like them

Obi: So all droids look the same to you?

Trooper: No, I-

Obi: Racist