Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

this picture pisses me off so bad. no bread or cheese but we brought the fucking pinecones. i’d be so pissed if my girlys showed up to the picnic with this shit. id be taking big bites of that pine cone saying MMM YUMMY just to make a point

My dad: you know how you Love Christmas

12 yo me: yes

My dad: How would you feel about two of them

Watching a movie and this guy just shoved three dead bodies into a trunk and all I could think was, “That’s some serious storage. What kind of car is that?”

So my question to you is, do I have to start wearing New Balance and cargo shorts now?

My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece
as a retirement gift for the boss..

We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee’s gift card.

I love sundress season, the way they occasionally and oh so tantalisingly waft up, revealing the treasures hidden beneath. But yes officer, I promise to wear underwear in future.

My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.

Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.

Me: Jessica has 1/5 cup of milk for her cookie recipe how many times does she need to use the 1/10 measuring cup to make the cookies?

9: How about you figure that out on your own Jessica? Use your own brain.

If the sun is blacking out at 1pm on a Monday than so am I

WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?

ME: No but I have a sexy stapler

[job interview]

Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I’ll be able to buy pants. I can’t just skip ahead to the last step.

I’m working from home. But as a bartender.

How did the small bear lookalike creature got home when it’s scooter broke down?

Ewok’d the rest of the way.

#BearDay #RubbishJokes

11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?

You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.

I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.

BOSS: this is our mortician, david

ME: *goes up for a high five* more like caDAVEer, amirite

DAVID:

ME: just gonna stiff me, huh?

DAVID:

ME: ᵒᶠ ᶜᵒʳᵖˢᵉ ʸᵒᵘ ᵃʳᵉ

Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?

6: My favorite kind of melon is Watermelon. What’s your favorite kind of melon?

11: Post Melon

6:

Me: It’s easy. Just like a walk in the park.

Her: So, all the while, I’ll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?

detective: looks like someone cut the victim open

mortician: that was me

detective: *into wire* we got em

16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”

*plays The Smiths

Me: Uncontrollable weeping

Probably the worst thing about pyramid schemes is how they make you advertise to all your friends and family that you are part of a pyramid scheme.

[parent-teacher conference]

teacher: he’s doing so well, and he’s such a great listen-

me: coolcoolcool no doubt but when do you teach them to stop turning on every light in the house, is that this year or

think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.

Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.

*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*

white people go to an italian store one time then brag about the time they visited an “international market”

Pretty upsetting that during such a time of pandemic, some people are refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny