Checkmate, Flat Earthers
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Imagine the carnage at an IKEA team building event.
Finally got the “Josh Duggar is good” neck tattoo I’ve wanted for years, now let me just read today’s news as I take a large sip of water…
I have so much to offer. It’s all bad, but still
[ autumn, 1579 ]
pumpkin farmer: i say, you’ve spilled your spice on my pumpkins!
spice merchant: poppycock! for YOU have gotten your pumpkin in MY spice!
susan: *rising up out of a barrel* omg this is sooo good I want like 12 ventis all in my mouth
Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?
I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
[ first day as job recruiter ]
me: {on phone} i have a job at a bank for your wife
him: teller?
me: yes that’s why I’m calling
Arachnophobia is stupid I mean why are we all terrified of a bug that knits all day?
[On a Ferris wheel]
Him *kisses her* this is so perfect!
Her *kisses him back* and so romantic!
Me: It’s weird these things have 3 seats
Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.
Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.
Me: First of all that’s an inmate.
I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.
The head of my homeowners association told me I can’t burn any effigies over 15 feet tall in my yard, so I know exactly what my next 14′ 11″ effigy will be, hope you like it Todd
Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater
“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”
Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
Thursday, 4:01pm
“Still there.”
“Yep.”
“Looks blue.”
“It certainly does.”
“Wet too.”
“Totally.”
“See you next week?”
“Count on it.”
Got so drunk last night that I was able to translate three Pearl Jam albums into English
People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.
I’m amazed by people who lose weight w exercise. When I exercise nothing happens bc my DNA still thinks I’m a European peasant. So it’s like “Oh! Are we running from the English again, lass? Dinnae ye worry: we’ll keep ye plump as a partridge to outlast the murderous bastards!”
The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.
ME [introducing my family]: this is my brother paul, he’s a geologist. this is my cousin sue, she’s a cosmetologist. and this is my *eyes narrow* uncle louis, he’s a racist
LOUIS: uh, race car driver
ME: that too
X-tra spooky blend
No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.
[getting completely dominated in a street fight]
ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules
I’ll never understand people who talk on the phone in a public restroom, because even if you aren’t planning on flushing at some point, I am.
(Gaming support cat.)
video games where you have to repair your gun or like change the oil in your motorcycle or whatever can take a damn hike. there’s plenty of tedium in my actual life–i wanna chainsaw a mutant in half, not fold virtual laundry.