You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?
Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask
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*digs in purse to pay for purchase*
Me: Whew, wasn’t sure I had enough. *awkward laugh*
Clerk: Would you like to donate $1 to…
Me: *starts digging again*
*Good Will Hunting*
Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?
me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?
GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug
Dreams at each age:
15: one day I’ll find great love.
20: one day I’ll become a great person.
25: one day I’ll make the world great.
35: one day I’ll throw out all my Tupperware at once, and buy a bunch of different sizes but all with the same lid.
producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.
Road rage, because yelling and cursing at strangers in the safety of your vehicle is fun.
Unless they have a gun.
Headed to a funeral. #yolo
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.