@Bobby_Corwin

Checkmate, Flat Earthers

You Might Also Like

@KylePlantEmoji

You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?

Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask

@Darlainky

*digs in purse to pay for purchase*
Me: Whew, wasn’t sure I had enough. *awkward laugh*

Clerk: Would you like to donate $1 to…

Me: *starts digging again*

@LeBearGirdle

*Good Will Hunting*

Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?

me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?

@existentialcoms

Dreams at each age:
15: one day I’ll find great love.
20: one day I’ll become a great person.
25: one day I’ll make the world great.
35: one day I’ll throw out all my Tupperware at once, and buy a bunch of different sizes but all with the same lid.

@dafloydsta

Road rage, because yelling and cursing at strangers in the safety of your vehicle is fun.

Unless they have a gun.

@ShutUpThatsWho

WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving

ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change

WIFE: ok you’ve got a week

ME: [crying] a weak what?

@NotKarma

Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.