Checkmate, Flat Earthers
You Might Also Like
If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.
I dunno why but this feels like a trap
WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?
ME: baby I’d take a bullet for anyone
One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.
Until then, I’ll keep eating.
I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
Any room can be a room with a view if you are in it.
judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
grandpa: what do u call a dog in alaska
me: grandpa, no
grandpa: WHAT DO U CALL A DOG IN ALASKA
me: grandpa please
grandpa: A CHILI DOG
me: grandpa, I-
grandpa: WRITE THAT ON YOUR TWEETER
*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again
Cop: Hey U!
U: who, me?
Cop: no the other 1!
1: who, me?
Cop: both of U!
W: who, us?
Cop: Yes you!
U: Who, me?
Cop: No!
No: yes?
Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck
ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]
crying
“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers
No I won’t be attending your seance, I barely want to talk to the living
You’re 22 years old, dating a 62 year old man an update a status like “I can’t wait to see my baby” Is he your baby or your ANCESTOR ?
My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture
This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.
If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.
shepherd: SWEET CAROLINE
sheepdog: god i hate this guy
sheep: BAH BAH BAH
sheepdog: ok i hate all of you
This anagram machine is out of order.
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
Narcissist: I am God!
Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.
Mickey: ok but that’ll be $20 extra
Goofy: Done.
*Mickey puts on bow and heels*
Doctor: Describe your usual day
Me: Eat, wait to eat, eat, wait to eat, eat
Doctor: Okay I see the problem
Me: Right? So is there an anti-waiting pill, or
Wanna get rich?
Buy my book, ‘How to Get Stupid People on the Internet to Send You $39.95’ for only $39.95.
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.
RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust
Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.
Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?