Checkmate, Flat Earthers

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You kids have no idea how lucky you are. Back in my day we had to shave our jokes into the sides of cats and throw those cats at passers by.


People that live in glass houses have tons of dead birds on their lawn.


ME: Who’s haunting me?
EXORCIST: Your father
*thermostat mysteriously lowers by 4 degrees*
ME: Yeah, that checks out


3:Mommy why do I have to wear a coat, it’s not that cold out!?

Me:So other Moms don’t judge me and talk shit, Buddy.


My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.


[Speech Therapy]
Therapist: Repeat after me: I’m thirsty
Dad: I’m…thirsty
T: I’m hungry
D: I’m…H…Hi Hungry, I’m Dad
T: *throws clipboard*


I feel like true love can be proven by whether you would stay with your partner if they suddenly started wearing a beret all the time


My hangover has been going on for so long that I’m beginning to wonder if Peter Jackson directed it.


It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.