Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

museums: why doesn’t anyone go to museums anymore
also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them

How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now

5yo: if superman & batman had a big fight, superman could throw him into space where he’d suffocate’. I’m raising a problem solver you guys.

[At work]

What can I do to pass the time?

My five-year old grandson responded, “Not again!” when I asked if he’d like chicken nuggets, because a year ago we had chicken nuggets.

Menopausal symptoms can be fatal. They almost killed my husband.

If your partner keeps saying “we need to refine our packages” on their zoom you’re left with no option but to text “I’ll refine your package” causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.

LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.

My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.

[making out on couch]

me: well, wanna take it a step further and see if we’re compatible 😉

date: yes 😉

me: ok let me just get… you know… from my nightstand

[coming down stairs 2 minutes later]

me: whoa *holding sorting hat* why are you naked

I basically called this earlier today

🎶Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me🎶

SECRET SOCIETY OF WORLD ROLLERS: Who talked?!

You ever think about how there are people who can identify cars? Like instead of “brown truck” or “grey sedan” everywhere they go they’re all “that Mazda Myopia is turning left beside the 2017 Chevy Stigmata”. That’s so wild. It must be like seeing those colors only shrimp see.

Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.

Her: so tell me a fun fact

Me: the plural of octopus is really octopodes!

H: I mean about yourself…

M: …I know the plural of octopus

I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my ‘May Know’ Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we’ve both agreed not to be friends

Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it

I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.

Ever since we moved into our house, we’ve nicknamed the guy who lived here for 30 years before us The Engineer because everything is so precisely done.

Our neighbour just brought The Engineer over to meet us & Reuben looked like he was meeting the biggest rockstar on the planet.

Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?

I want more people to join bluesky before I accidentally follow too many journalists

[last day of creative writing class]

“are u ready to name ur band?”

Dave Matthews: u bet i am

Now that I’m vaccinated I’m up for any social activity as long as it starts at six, ends by seven, involves food and doesn’t require real pants.

“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.

Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.

Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…

Beaver 2: dam

*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*

How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?

*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder*
“Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it’s done toasting?”