Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.

friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven?
me: who all going?

VITAMIN WATER: we’re like water, but with vitamins

ME: which ones

VITAMIN WATER: well sugar is a vitamin

ME: no it’s not

VITAMIN WATER: what about blue

EVERY MOVIE TRAILER NOW:

We hear a single piano key play.

A shot of a basketball court at dusk.

Sally Field [V.O.] “Your grandfather was…complicated. There’s a lot you don’t know, can’t understand.”

A children’s choir starts singing “In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins.

When your diet is finally over.

Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.

My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.

We are a joint family.

Everyone: “You don’t watch Game of Thones?! Watch it immediately.”
After every episode: “That was HORRIBLE.”

NSFW tweet
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Unionize your workplace

Me: No more questions your honor

Judge: The lawyers say that, not you

the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you

I used to teach a workshop at a prison and one time I took a Lyft to get there and the driver won’t stop talking to me about the stock market.

Then he asked “so what are you up to today?” And I said “nothing much. Just turning myself in” and the way this man went silent. 10/10

Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials

a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”

WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*

Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.

I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.

*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”

When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.

My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs

Just saw a cyclist put his hand out to indicate he was turning left when a lone pedestrian high fived him. I feel so good right now.

I remember when I was younger and I picked this girl up from her house, her dad answered the door and was like “have her back by 2200 hours” and I didn’t know military time but I was ok at maths and was like “sure, see you in 3 months”

I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.

[job interview]

“So what are your goals for working here?”

To be home by 5

Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.

Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.

[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow

I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’

[answers batphone] Hi, thanks for calling the batcave. This batcall may be batmonitored or batrecorded for batquality batassurance batpurposes