Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*opens present

HER: What is this?

ME: It’s The One Ring. I fought orcs for it.

HER: They didn’t have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?

Just got a call from the vet to schedule my dog for her shots. I asked for an estimate and they transferred me over to their lending department.

What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!

Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.

[if my brain were a computer]
uhg why’s the calculator app being so slow
*closes math tab to reveal 53 other tabs all playing cottoneye joe*

I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.

[cat clinic]
DR. CAT: What seems to be the problem?
CAT: Me-ow
DR. CAT: You need to be more specific

I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.

it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken

9yo: (mouths off to me)

Me:

Hubs: You’re not doing anything? At least take his iPad away.

Me: Patience

(1 hour later)

9yo: Mom! My iPad’s dead, where’s the charger?

Me: What charger?

Hubs: Nice one.

me: just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean the illuminati haven’t targeted you and replaced all your workout gear with slightly smaller sizes to make you look like you haven’t been taking your diet seriously

personal trainer: *just glares*

Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillow

Him:
Pillow

Idk y men go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need

When someone says we can do something “weather permitting” I remind them that weather’s not the boss of me. Snow or no snow, I’m not going.

Government Shutdown: Day Two

Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.

What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight

If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second

So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know

My week is basically:
Monday
Monday #2
Monday #3
Monday #4
Friday
Saturday
Pre-Monday

You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.

Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?

My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.

Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.

i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand

Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.

Due to my obvious intelligence and the confusing of me for another boy with the same last name, I was placed in the gifted class.

If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.

My bf’s first language is french, and he forgot the word for “lid”, so instead he held up the pot and asked “where is his hat?”

My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring

A boy at school tells me I’m looking like a snack. I plead with him to take it back, but it is too late. My teachers huddle around me with a bloodthirsty look in their eyes.

“D I D Y O U B R I N G E N O U G H
T O S H A R E”

Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.