I created a new solvent that will dissolve ANYTHING in the world!
(Sigh)
I just don’t know what to keep it in….
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Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?
How amazing is it that nobody in the same Kingdom as Cinderella , had the same sized feet as her ?
She should play the lottery too !
pilot: ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. we have just reached our cruising altitude of 15,000 feet
guy with massive foot fetish: *visibly sweating*
Daughter: Daddy, I can’t sleep.
Me: *gets warm milk* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *reads a book* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *starts to sing*
D: *fake sleeps so I’ll stop*
Me: Man, I should have started with that.
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
I make sure I throw any vegetables offered to me across the room to make a point.
“I wondered if I could use a study room that’s private and out of the line of sight where nobody can see or hear what I’m doing in there.”
“Well, since you put it that way, absolutely not.”
[portal opens]
dark lord: FINALLY! EARTH’S TREASURES ARE MINE!
gary: what if the REAL treasure is our friendsh-
dark lord: not now gary
Stranger asks you what time it is = kinda annoying
Stranger asks you what year it is = pretty concerning
Stranger asks you what century it is = extremely exciting
my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband
I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.
Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.
Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.
I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.
Free cake in the break room and these people turn into cheetahs on a gazelle.
I think Pam from Accounting died.
She wasn’t strong enough.
Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
Sitting in a restaurant, a girl walked in and yelled SOMEONE DECIDED TO MARRY ME *twirls and air kicks* then walked out
Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?
Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.
Discourage visitors by placing a “use other door” sign on your only door
*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*
Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.
Then we met.
Bathe your child in lavender soap before bed so you’re both nice and relaxed before you lose your mind when they won’t go to sleep.
🛁
Favourite diary entry ever
It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.
Mix it up a little. Start answering calls from unrecognized phone numbers with an angry “If this is about the marmot again, I swear to God someone’s going to pay!”
welcome to your 40s, the first song you ever made out to is being used to promote mutual funds
It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁